Living between the man I am and the woman I want to be

It feels so right. Exercising my feminine grace, sharing my soul with a friend or stranger, working on being beautiful. Becoming a woman seems like the worthiest outcome of my efforts, and whenever I think about the necessary practice and perfection to get there it lights a smile inside my soul.

Yet for all my strong desires to be a woman, I go to work on Monday without a trace of the girl within me. I do not need to suffer the sacrifice so many transsexuals make when they transition. And I wonder, is my desire for womanhood just a fantasy that amuses me in my time away from real life?

My lovely wife has been wonderfully supportive. She’s shown more support than I dreamt I would receive. Yet, she loves me for the man I am, and I know that going further down the path to womanhood would mean that I lose the most precious thing in the world to me – the relationship I have with my wife.

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Somehow, it feels false for me to split my time between being a man and a woman. It feels more whole to be a man on the journey to womanhood. That even though it is slow, each step is deliberate with a well known end goal. To set such a definitive direction would mean so many things, not least of which are many uncomfortable conversations with those I love.

Don’t misunderstand my confusion – I have come to terms with being transgender – I love and accept that part of myself, along with the many other talents and gifts God has blessed me with. Yet I still struggle with how to express it in a fulfilling way. Unless I have a clear path before me, I resist the necessary practice in the feminine ways that would take me closer to being a woman. If being transgender is part time, more of a ‘hobby’ than a lifestyle for me, how can I be fulfilled?

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Clayton H. Vereen
4 years ago

I Clayton vereen want to sign up for the crossdresser Heaven . I am a feminine man that wants to be a female.

Kari Bryant
4 years ago

How many of us really get the chance to express ourselves. I have been very fortunate in the last few months have been given the opportunity to find out or at least explore my total person. I like so many of us have hidden my partial self from everyone that means any thing to me. (43 years to be exact). I have to realize through therapy, heart ache, pain, guilt, self loathing, help from some really great people from this site (again thank you Cynthia πŸ™‚ ) and all the other emotions that comes with being human that my life… Read more Β»

skippy1965 Cynthia
Trusted Member
skippy1965 Cynthia (@skippy1965)
4 years ago
Reply to  Kari Bryant

KAri, You are such an incredible woman! I can’t believe how well you are doing in trying to reconcile the male and female sides of your self. And to do it while keeping your family so close and all is so amazing! You were one of the first people in crisis” who sought me out for advice and I Was SO terrified I would tell you the wrong thing and mess up your life. The fact that you took the leap of faith in texting me-a comparative stranger at the time-humbled me to my core and I just tied to… Read more Β»

Kari Bryant
4 years ago

Opps, I m so sorry. I got carried away. πŸ™‚

Rosaliy Lynne
4 years ago

I found this article you wrote back in 2008 and I am sure there are a lot of comments on it so far. My cross dressing probably started a lot sooner than my normally accepted ‘start’ in high school. My story from that time seems greatly similar to so many others I have read that I won’t fill in those details here. When I started, it was a NEED to dress as opposed to a desire to be a woman. I am not sure why I felt so strongly that NEED but it is the first conscious thought I remember.… Read more Β»

Maneesh kumar pandey
2 years ago

I want a beautiful loving body because many girls refused me because I have very ugly face and average body type I am very disappointed with my life. I lost my job and now I have little shop . Now what I do. How I be love mate of someone likes me

2 years ago

Hello everybody: My cd name is gina I am 28 yo I been married for 5 yrs and I love my wife to death, thats why Im so afraid of letting her know that Im a cd, the first time I put on some female clothes I was 5 yo, I grabed one of my moms panties and put them on they felt so good and smooth I didnt want to take them off. I have memories from when I was 3 or 4 yo playing with my little junk and not liking it so I tried to hide it… Read more Β»

michele smith
2 years ago

just lost wife of 27 yrs for me if I could have her back I would quit dressing she caught me dressed once before she got sick we stadethis is something that wont go away together after she caught me dressed I never told her about my dressing because I thought I could stop me from dressing cause we where together it dosent work that way I found out after I was cought dressing she never wanted to see that again by us talking about dressing it helped keep me from dressing pluss having more sex but now shes gone… Read more Β»

tammy Marie
2 years ago

Wow,sounds like a carbon copy of how I feel.

1 year ago

This sounds almost exactly like the situation that I am in. My wife is my best friend and has been for most of my life. She and I have talked and where you know your path I feel like i am traveling down a dark and lonely road sometimes. I feel with every step I am loosing the best person in my life but am unsure if it is something that I really want. I am happy for you in the fact that you know your path and seem to have accepted and embraced your self so fully. I wish… Read more Β»

Stephanie Kennedy
Active Member
Stephanie Kennedy (@qtestephy)
1 year ago

Hi Venessa your story is very heart felt. I feel I am caught between two worlds I very much want to be the woman that I have hidden for so many years ,too many years I am truly sad about that ,at the same time I am excited about the woman I can be. Confused

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