About that…
This world is about more than me, something that I am reminded of daily. Trying to put me into perspective is hard, difficult to say the least and never easy at all. What, who, am I? Ask me again tomorrow and the answer will be different if not a complete reversal of how I feel today. Why am I morphing through varying feelings is the topic of the moment.
Betty and I wrote our most recent article, and I knew that it would be tough for many to read. About that… as much as we want to find our center, our peace, our direction, in many cases we must contend with our relationship to others and what we are willing to sacrifice. However, as Betty points out, there are more people than us who may be required to sacrifice a portion of themselves. We all want the best for one another, and we all want (deserve) to find some happiness.
When there are no easy answers, it can be expected that we shelter our emotions in avoidance. The additional stress becomes its own problematic issue. I find myself in a cycle that I’m not sure is healthy emotionally or physically. The more I stress, the more I need Brina time. The more Brina time, the more questions I have and the more the stress is layered on, and the more… you see the self-increasing pattern.
About that… I have obligations and luckily, I don’t have spousal issues (which is another topic) to complicate my soul searching. I took care of my mother until her death and now watch my father’s decline. We share a house, him upstairs and me down. He can’t navigate the stairs, so I could be dressed a majority of the time if I wanted, only donning my male masquerade for the times needed to check on him. Instead, I find that I continue to follow my secretive patterns, waking early 4-5am, dressing (sometimes in makeup) until 8-9am, and then turning back into a male pumpkin. Why? As in why don’t I dress more or change the pattern? He’s asleep by 9pm and I could become Cinderella then.
I have some thoughts. The biggest conclusion is fear. I’m safe from potential discovery in the wee hours of the morning, not so at night. Somebody might stop by unexpectedly, or my father might have an issue that I need to tend to. That’s fear one, fear two is that adding more or changing it up might mean that I’m deciding on what life could soon be like. And that… is very scary. When my scapegoat is gone, what will I do? Is Brina only my stress relief or is she the answer. Ask me at 6 am and I know how I would respond, ask again at 4 pm and I begin wavering.
Am I being me in the mornings or just using it as a means to qualm the stresses in my life. Does it matter? I think so. I am a combination, and my life experiences have both shown and confirmed it, although I wasn’t cognizant of it early on. It’s kind of like buying coffee at the same time each morning at the same place… then they unexpectedly close down and a tea shoppe opens instead. During the closure, stress builds as you try to find a new place (that isn’t the same even if they use the same coffee brand) and hope grows when you know your favorite place was bought and going to reopen… and then… you’re stuck between the old and the new because they don’t have coffee, but the surroundings are familiar. Me… I adapted to a new place for coffee and found out that I enjoyed tea in the afternoon.
About that… this is our relationship to ourselves and to our families. Learning to accept change and truth is hard. When our spouse takes some of the burdens away that we carried internally we tend to explode into “Me time.” Betty reminds us that while being understanding, forgiving, and compassionate, wanting us to be happy, there is their happiness to acknowledge as well. I wonder what the percentage of hidden to open crossdressers in committed relationships is. The most prevalent reason for not telling when we entered a serious relationship is because we thought it (the relationship) would fix us and when it didn’t… the lesser of two evils… don’t tell. I’m not an advocate for either. If I found someone today, I would tell them upfront, the sooner the better. I most likely (if still in a relationship) wouldn’t and endure the stress and face the fallout if outed. My only reason for doing so; they didn’t sign up for it, and I would deserve whatever happens because of my avoidance. (Which it did come to a head in my first marriage). That failure and my second attempt, that also ended, but not because of being a CD—having made it all 7 years without physically dressing; mentally, it was always a fight, taught me that I needed to figure me out before starting a new relationship. Ten years and counting…
About that… I hate to say it, but I think I have a relationship with myself. Brina is very much the woman I might chase after… only she’d be shorter and much prettier… This has been ten years in the making. All the money spent on clothes and makeup, shoes, and jewelry, was me trying to find out who I am and what might be in a perfect world, or even an unincumbered world. My biggest fear for the future is who would be willing to accept both of us and the strong possibility that one may become much more dominate. That’s not even in contemplation of where I find my purpose in the world at large. The business I was once dedicated to is no longer, and I have to deal with my own limitations… age and hearing. I’m too young to stop, and I feel just as much need to contribute in a positive way. Being your Managing Editor is one of those ways. Sharing my personal feelings and thoughts is another.
When I say that I get it… I do, and so do a lot of us. The highs and lows of being who and what we are. The world looks at us through scrunched up faces and slit eyes, waving us away as if we are of little consequence. We are an exclusion to normality. They get (for the most part) being transgender and the allure of drag, us… not so much. We have been portrayed as deviant and comedic, although it is improving. They don’t buy into that women can wear what they want so why can’t we. Our challenge is to show kindness and bring others to an understanding of what it means to be a crossdresser, and that the term encompasses so much more than just wearing clothing of the opposite sex. The challenge is in getting them to see our humanity. I believe it starts within us. We have to accept and embrace ourselves first. Once we do, then we can begin to foster a better dynamic with others. What a future might look like when tolerance and respect is as easy as ordering off Amazon.
So… if any you have accepting wives with older sisters (or younger…) that are looking for someone uniquely special… send them my way…
Kidding… kind of…
About that… until next time. be kind to yourself and those you love, may the possibility of a beautiful spring be just around the corner… or in other parts of the world, may the winter be mellow and just as enchanting…
What a wonderful read! If you are keeping a tally, I’m one where the wife seemingly has no idea. I believe she doesn’t know, because she’s one that has no filter. If she ever had anything enter her mind, it usually finds its way out. Anyone else be damned. I’m sure it would end our otherwise troubled marriage.
If I could write as good as you (or look anywhere as good as you), I could give a unique angle to CDing.
Gwyn
Thanks for the comments and for the compliments! We do have editors on site that help you in preparing your article… 🙂
I’m sure my composition would come back with way more red marks than my college days.
Gwyneth, give it a try if you have and idea for an article. I have 4 articles here so far and I was always the person who ran out of things to say in a composition in school after 2 short paragraphs.
. Cassie
Brina, sorry to hear about your dad. Hope you can make this stage of his life happy and hope you have a lot of good memories of him and he 2 of you together.
It sounds like you are a little worried about your life when he is gone. Where are you going with your next stage of life. Are you going much deeper into your CD life or balance a drab side with you Brina side. I hope you can get yourself figured out.
. Cassie
That would be the ultimate question… and really the perspective of the article. Reality might be fast approaching, where I’ve been able to keep it dreamy for some time. Thanks for commenting.
Hello Again Sabrina
You always write the Most Interesting Topics, and perceive them only as you Can. Living The Life As A CD Isn’t Easy, But Can Be Done. Thank You So Much, Keep Up The Great Work Your Doing, For The Sisterhood. Hugs
Jennifer Ramirez
The hug is welcomed 🙂 Thank you for the compliments and comments.
First off Brina I want to thank you for all you do for CDH, you have a mighty ship to keep afloat and what you do for us is just one of the things to balance. I so enjoy your articles, the honesty in your writing always helps me with some of the things that I face in my own life and helps me better understand myself. What you are doing for your dad is a wonderful thing, I’m sure for both of you, do try and enjoy all that you can when you can. And I’m sure that there… Read more »
Kind words; thank you! 🙂 I’ll do my best to keep putting one high heel in front of the other till I’m walking out the door. (My acknowledgement to a Christmas classic!)
I remember that Christmas classic well.
I get this article on so many levels. I haven’t told my wife of 35 years because she didn’t sign up for this, I can’t get my balance I flop all over the spectrum. I have a parent in poor health although I’m not her primary caregiver only back up support. I have too much to lose by coming out but fear for my sanity either way.
Never a dull moment in Crossdresserville… What a television series we could make… Thank you for the comments and in return, my best to you 🙂
Yes I agree, it would make an interesting series.
Wonderful article Brina. You mentioned so many thoughts and emotions I too have experienced on this journey. The analogies were beautiful. Your story is a reminder that life is a journey, a struggle at times, with highs and lows, full of surprises, good ones and not so good ones.
Thank you for the kind compliments! 🙂 I think that some of us have reached the (our) conclusion that we may never reach a destination on this journey but rather need to enjoy the ride (or walk in heels).
“About that… I hate to say it, but I think I have a relationship with myself."
In many ways I think many of us feel that way. Then again, it is important to love yourself to accept yourself.
Thanks for the comments. It really does go deep if you want it to. If I met a woman who dressed to my perceptions would I dress as much? Would it make me want to dress more? The other part is in knowing you would have someone who “Gets you!" I also wonder if women have similar thoughts, or even manly men in searching for the allure that is missing from their partners. What I meant most by my comment is that at times I feel like two different individuals and as such, seem to have a marriage-like relationship. Each… Read more »
Brina, resonating doesn’t even come close to how I relate to this struggle. This article is a tuning fork in that regard. Right now I’m sitting in a chair in my warm house on a very cold windy day, deciding whether to read my Bible or put on my makeup. I too have been a caregiver, so I understand the stress relief component well. Add to that the ‘pink fog’ euphoria of creating a new version of ourselves. I sometimes wonder if it is self-love or self-loathing. “When you wish upon a star..”
Very well put! Somewhere the answer might be that neither extreme is needed. I often wonder what I would dress or be given complete freedom. Would I surrender the heels to more flats and dresses for jeans and pants? Yes… and no. I continually am moving more in that direction all the time, blending the personas and lifestyles. I hope to have much more self-love. Thanks for the comments!
Thanks for that article Brina. As has been said by others – it really resonates with me. I also liked Mandi’s comment about whether our need to transform is self-love or self-loathing! While I don’t think I personally fear a greater ‘transition’, it certainly must be a fear for my wife, and therefore still needs to be kept in check – for now.
Geraldine, Downunder
Thanks for commenting. I think her comment is truth and equally both, just depending on the moment and the obstacle in our way.
Beautiful article Brina. You are so wise and I love reading everything that you write. There are so many challenges with CDing that make it so hard. If only it really was “just" clothes right?
Thanks for the kind words 🙂 I would assume that if a woman cut her hair, added theatrical makeup to give her masculine features, and added that extra bump, we’d look at her in a different light. Is she just expressing herself, role playing, or is it something more? For a CD it isn’t the one thing, it’s all the things together. There are still way too many labels that are tossed about. My answer: Let’s just initiate 3 gender classifications; Women, Men, and Other (or some better derivative) Give all equal protection and we can watch as a society… Read more »