I recently read Amy Bloom’s book Normal, as well as Helen Boyd’s book My Husband Betty. (find my crossdressing book reviews here). Apart from all the other great information in these books, one theme was quite evident. A general disdain for the policies and principles of Tri-ESS.
Do all transgendered know about Tri-ESS?
For those of you who don’t know, Tri-ESS describes themselves on their website as:
“An educational, social and support group for heterosexual crossdressers, their partners, the spouses of married crossdressers and their families. We believe that we are blessed with an additional facet to our personalities. If we accept our crossgendered side, and explore it, we will find a broadening of the entire personality, which can be very fulfilling. We dress in emulation, rather than in mockery, of femininity.”
The Tri-Ess philosophy can be expressed in the acronym FIBER:
- F – Full personality expression in both its masculine and its feminine aspects. We do not wish to destroy our masculinity, but to soften its harsher aspects, and be all we can be.
- I – Integration of masculinity and femininity to create a happier whole person.
- B – Balance between masculinity and femininity.
- E – Education or crossdressers and their families toward self-acceptance; education of society toward accepting crossdressing people.
- R – Relationship-building in the context of crossdressing.
So what’s the problem with Tri-ESS?
Helen seems taken aback by the exclusivity and intolerance of Tri-ESS. Pointing in particular to their narrow charter of catering to heterosexual crossdressers. Tri-ESS excludes homosexuals and bisexuals. They also discourage participation by others in the transgendered community, in particular transsexuals, who aren’t granted full membership rights.
I think more than the exclusivity, Helen sees the principles of Tri-ESS as containing half-truths. In particular the vehement denial that cross-dressing has a sexual component. As you’ve seen me share in recent posts on why men crossdress, and the feedback you provided in the follow up to why men cross-dress, cross-dressing cannot be described as a “non-sexual” interest for many men. Helen draws interesting conclusions about why Tri-ESS shys away from the sexual nature of cross-dressing. It could be the desire for crossdressing men to be perceived as otherwise normal, and that the taboo of a sexual fetish is abhorrent to your typical “Christian, Republican family man who happens to wear dresses on the weekend”.
I find the notion of a conservative cross-dresser somewhat amusing though – if anything my transgendered nature has forced me to become more tolerant and accepting of the differences in others.
Many of these thoughts are echo’d by Amy in her book Normal.
Tri-ESS has helped thousands of cross-dressers
For all it’s failings, Tri-ESS has helped tens of thousands of cross dressers find peace and acceptance. It has given men a framework for talking about their transgendered nature with their wives and wives to be and shone a light of understanding where before there was only the darkness of prejudice.
While I am no longer a member of Tri-ESS, it has helped me immensely in my self esteem, self discovery and relationship with my wife. The people I’ve met at Tri-ESS have been among the most loving, caring and supportive. As an anecdote, one of the founders of our local chapter drove 200 miles to meet with me over lunch to discuss cross-dressing and introduce me to Tri-ESS. This is in sharp contrast to my pastor at that time, who told me “crossdressing is a sin”, pointed me at this web page, told me he “loved me” and then never contacted me again. I still occasionally hear from my sisters in Tri-ESS, yet when I ran into my former pastor a few months ago he didn’t even know who I was.
Tri-ESS gave me the tools and information to communicate with my wife. The advice to tell my wife before we got married is a blessing I am eternally thankful for. While the environment is very narrowly focused, I am sure my wife would have felt a great deal of discomfort attending meetings where sex reassignment surgery was openly discussed as an option. By limiting the meetings to deal with “one social taboo” at a time,Tri-ESS prevented my wife from being totally and completely overwhelmed. (She was still overwhelmed – as any spouse would be – just not totally and completely 🙂 )
Transgendered or Cross-dresser?
Personally I don’t think I fit into the narrow category defined by Tri-ESS. I think I’m more to the middle of the transgender spectrum. I am very grateful to them. Anyone who is lonely, uncertain and tormented by their crossdressing –Â I strongly encourage you to join Tri-ESS. You’ll find acceptance, love and support. If you find there’s more for you than just wearing a dress or makeup, find other transgendered sisters to share your experience with as well.
More Articles by Vanessa Law
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- I Want to Live Like That
- Hope in Despair, Light through the Darkness
It hurts me to read your statements concerning Tri-Ess and how it is supposedly “exclusive". I, as many transgendered, am married. When I came out to my spouse we talked and read and learned and one of the places we chose to go was to Tri-Ess. It provides us with what WE need. It gives me a place which has helped me grow as a woman and which has helped my spouse understand that I am not a freak, nor am I alone in my specialness. It gives her a place to go with me and not feel overwhelmed by… Read more »
Hi Cheryl, thanks for your comment – I’m happy that Tri-Ess was able to help you and your wife. I agree that they have done a lot of good for a lot of people (myself and my wife included). I think you’re right that the broad spectrum of transgender life is, well, broad, and sometimes intimidating to those on their first journey of discovery. I know for sure I would not have taken my wife to one of those meetings (I think she’d still be freaking out about it) I agree that Tri-Ess serves a specific need. I think the… Read more »
I do not know if this would fit the bill for this posting but i do have to say that after reading Cheryl’s response to exactly how Tri-Ess caters to those whom are of a particular “part" of the T-life I find that you have, in fact, sold me on finding out more about Tri-Ess and deciding for myself.
(P.S. I am literally a conservative crossdresser. Hard to imagine isnt it?)
for me, the most important point in Cheryl’s comment is the observation that transsexuals who are committed to full transition are often not kind to transgendered people who, for the moment, aren’t ready for that, or for whom conventional patterns of exclusively bi-gendered patriarchy & sexual activity are not primary considerations
Yes, I agree. I think part of it may be fear. The fear from the transsexual that the crossdresser invalidates their womanhood. That the crossdresser proves it is possible to enjoy femininity without becoming one. I think part may be a desire to create firm categories to which we fit in. Man, woman.
Crossdressing for me has been very hard as I am a member of tri-ess and enjoy to interact with members when I can. I live in an area where it’s mostly transexuals and just about impossible to meet crossdressers and I have to travel 200 miles to attend tri-ess. Meeting someone that accepts my dressing completely to where I can dress at will is not possible so I dress only 2 times a week. I have met only opposition since I came out 10 yrs ago and makes me want to stuff it all back into the closet until the… Read more »
Michelle, have you taken a look at the list of support groups I put together here: https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/crossdresser-support-groups/
I know many ladies who dress once a month, if that – you are fortunate to be able to dress twice a week. Deciding not to crossdress is a personal decision, but I’ve found that it has only made things worse for me. Learning to accept who I am has been the most freeing for me, even though I know there are others who still don’t fully accept my crossdressing.
This is a very old thread, but as long as I'm here…. Tri-ess doesn't claim to represent or serve all possible variations of men who identify in any possible way as feminine, so it's hard for me to imagine criticizing them. Their express purpose is to serve the interests of heterosexual crossdressers. Not bisexual fetish transvestites, and not transitioning transexuals. What is there to criticize in that? Those who criticize them seem to have a problem with diversity – at least diversity as in someone else being different. And those are the same people who squeal loudest in favor of… Read more »
I kw about Tri-Ess for along time. Inface I was a member of FPE (Fi PHI Epsilon) before it merged with Mademoiselle to become TriEss. IN late 1969 or mid 1970, My wife found out about FPE and I dropped out and sat on the Back burner for 36 of the 39 years we were married. When she Died in 2006, I joined TriEss, found a “local" chapter (200 mile away) and got involved with Sigma Epsilon which is the Atlanta chapter of TriEss. I have been full time now (24/7) for about 15 months and really enjoying my life.… Read more »
I have been a member of Tri Ess for some 9 to almost 10 years now. I had wondered from the beginning where I would look to find support as a crossdresser. Having found Tri Ess was a Heaven sent for me, for having been in the closet, crossdressing some 40 years and secretively wondering if there was even anyone else in the world like me. The group Tri Ess was the greatest help, in assisting me discover who I was and helping me to disclose that to my wife. We are both life members and we travel 250 miles… Read more »
It seems that every couple of years someone finds this thread and is compelled to respond. The way I think of Tri-Ess is to use a sports analogy, Think of the Trans community as different sports. Baseball, basketball, and so on. Some people like only one sport and some progress from one to another as the seasons change. I think of Tri-Ess as a bunch of people who get together to play golf once a month. They don’t bet on the round, they don’t really even keep score. They just enjoy being in each other’s company and playing GOLF. If… Read more »
Where can I find crossdresser pen pals?
Most likely anyplace. And Tried Ess is a good place. Or even here.