This is a two-part story, written as a conversation between my male and female personas. It is based on my personal struggles with certain erotic aspects of my crossdressing. This is not discussed often at CDH, and I’ve tried to be discrete. My orientation is overwhelmingly male, so that is the “me” voice. The woman that I occasionally embody is “her.”
Her: So, what’s with all this doubt and shame stuff? Sounds pretty dramatic.
Me: I’m sorry to say that I have doubts about you. Or more specifically, your place in my life.
Her: Are you serious??!!! Are you saying you don’t love me anymore? Because you do. You love the thrill of creating me, admiring me, even talking to me while gazing in the mirror.
Me: Telling you what a pretty girl you are. Telling myself that it’s OK to be you.
Her: Why do you still need to convince yourself? Why the doubt? I think you’re just super frustrated that we haven’t been able to spend time together this year….
Me: That’s true. But being apart has also given me time to think and reconsider my commitment to you. It’s complicated.
Her: Well, we both know you’re a complicated guy. You think too much and worry too much…and I think you’re depressed.
Me: Me? Depressed? Well let’s see now, sweetheart. Coronavirus quarantines and soaring death counts, the isolation of working from home, not seeing friends, economic uncertainty, political divisiveness, social unrest, growing older, climate change.…need I go on?
Her: Go right ahead…I’m listening.
Me: The thing is that with the whole family at home in perpetual quarantine there’s no more alone time…me time…I mean you time…us time. Whatever.
Her: OK, I get it, you’re super frustrated about not dressing. No more thrills from seeing me in the mirror, wearing a pretty dress and heels, taking photos.
Me: At this point, looking at photos of you only makes me more frustrated and depressed. And I’ve stopped visiting CDH for the same reason.
Her: I was a Featured Member and didn’t know it until a month later! You’re a real jerk sometimes. Men!! I mean Man! I mean You! No, Us! This is confusing.
Me: No kidding. You know, I’ve noticed how some other girls disappear from CDH for months or years at a time…sometimes forever. Maybe they had their own seasons of doubt and shame.
Her: Now hold on, I don’t really understand the problem. You certainly have been seeing me. Those little lingerie shows that I put on for you when you announce that you’re going to take a long hot bath, but what you really want is some private time with me. What would you do if your wife or kids ever found out what you’re doing behind that locked door?
Me: They’d be absolutely horrified, and I wouldn’t know what to say…I’d be so ashamed. I worry that I’ll pass out or have a heart attack, and when they break down the bathroom door to rescue me, it will be the shock of their lives.
Her: At least you came out to your wife three years ago. I know it bothers you that she refuses to discuss it.
Me: It upsets and frightens her. I think she considers it borderline perverted, and that makes me feel very uneasy about it myself.
Her: She’s stopped being intimate with you.
Me: Not because of the crossdressing…she’s post-menopausal and no longer interested. But she’s a good woman…a good wife and mother…and I still love her deeply.
Her: I know you do. Now I’m the woman who turns you on, who loves wearing sexy underthings for you. I know exactly what you like…what you want…what you need.
Me: And that’s what troubles me. Before the pandemic, you and I would spend so many enjoyable hours of quality time together, wearing cute outfits and posting my…your…our photos on CDH. I found it relaxing, soothing…fulfilling. But for months now, our trysts have been measured in hurried minutes instead of leisurely hours.
Her: Yeah, well, everybody’s lives and routines have been upended by the coronavirus.
Me: Exactly, our time together has changed. It’s so constrained now, so narrowly focused.
Her: Please, spare me the drama. You’re not the first crossdresser to become obsessed with the erotic thrill of wearing silky undergarments. I think you’re trying to escape all the extra stress and anxiety of this year by resuming old habits.
Me: Are you familiar with the concept of autogynephilia?
Her: Huh?? Auto…what???
Me: Based on a series of studies with crossdressers beginning in the mid-1980s, the sexologist Ray Blanchard developed the theory of autogynephilia to describe a male’s propensity to be sexually aroused by the thought or image of himself as a female. The term refers to the full gamut of erotically arousing cross-gender behaviors and fantasies.”
Her: It’s not just about arousal for you either…I know how much you love so many other aspects, like getting all dolled up in makeup and dresses and shoes in order to feel pretty and feminine. Who cares if you have a kink that you indulge in private…you’re not hurting anybody, are you? Why can’t you just relax about it?
Me: I’m a scientist, honey. Anyway, the concept of autogynephilia is extremely controversial within the wider transgender community. I’m driven to understand how things work, but my urge to crossdress has been a lifelong enigma. I just don’t understand it and sometimes feel ashamed of it.
Her: Your Catholic upbringing really did a number on you.
Me: I wish I could just accept you and the things I…you…we do together without struggling. Speaking of my upbringing, I’ve read that…
Her: Oh God, here we go again…
Me: Keep making wisecracks and I’ll make you wear flats from now on, girlfriend. As I was saying, with teenage hormones raging but lacking an actual girlfriend, my subconscious mind devised a surrogate. When I slipped on a pair of panties for the first time and looked in the mirror, it turned me on. It seems to have become ingrained as a lifelong pattern. Blanchard refers to it as an “erotic target location error.”
Her: Did Blanchard really call it an error? Anyway, you still went on to have normal relationships, right?
Me: Girlfriends, a wife, children – I’m a straight family man. But the urge to engage in this secretive autoerotic behavior has always been there, varying widely in intensity through the years.
Her: Listen, Mister Depressed Scientist. You began by saying that you question my place in your life. Then you started talking about “fetishes” and “philias” and “target errors.” Excuse me for getting defensive, but it sounds like you’re talking about behaviors that might be considered pathological.
Me: Now we’re getting somewhere. So, if you’ve got a few more minutes, let me try to explain….
TO BE CONTINUED.
More Articles by Mona
- Proud to be a Goodwill Girl
- My Season of Doubt and Shame Part 2
- Media Review: Casa Susanna
- A Hilarious Look at the Challenges Most Crossdressers Will Face
- Mona Says Yes to the Dress
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Mona,
What an interesting article! I can’t wait for part2!
Thank you and hugs,
Kay
Hi Kay,
Good to hear you found it interesting. I was unsure whether to share it with the CDH community but ultimately I find writing to be therapeutic and why not share my struggles? That’s a big part of why we’re all here, I think.
Hugs, Mona
Hi Mona………….Love your conversation story. You are so blessed with writing talent. I could relate with it so many ways. Mister Man and I have similar conversations…………..Because I am a lot younger , I seduce him to get my way and use my girly ways for him to see things differently, making him a better man to his SO. Lookin forward to part 2 of your writing…………Thank You and Hugs………………karley
Karley, Thanks for your comments and very happy to hear you enjoyed the article and could relate to it. So many of us have our cross dressing begin in a sexual way and I have come to believe that the science on Autogynephilia (AGP) is accurate. AGP is an inherent sexual orientation and while it can vary in intensity and expression over time, it is not something that can be cured. It Is a highly unusual sexuality and as such causes many of us to struggle with it at times. It’s important to note that AGP can also encompass romantic… Read more »
Courageous, Mona, to be so honest in self-awareness and then to publish such stuff in a community of, let’s face it, a lot of us self-dissemblers.
Hi Cheryl Ann, Self-dissemblers!!?! I’m shocked, shocked I tell you… Seriously, thanks for your comments. I think I wrote this more as therapy for myself than to share here. Was very unsure whether to submit it or not and in retrospect maybe it was a mistake of the TMI variety. Or maybe just hoping for some group therapy. I know I’m not alone in these struggles…part of the issue for me is having theses urges come back so forcefully as I enter my sixth decade, after laying dormant for many years. I just don’t understand it, I don’t think any… Read more »
LOL
Great, great article. I feel like you could’ve written about me (even the Catholic part! ). All of this rings so true, especially when it comes to being stuck in quarantine because of this stupid virus. I remember posting in the forums about a week before lockdown started, asking, “is anyone else here freaked out about this?" Because I knew what it would mean for “Lexi" time. So, it’s exactly like the old days, when you’re hardly ever alone. I never, ever thought I would try dressing while a family member is home, but when my wife is out,… Read more »
Hi Lexi, So glad to hear you enjoyed the article and can relate to it. Yes, I can totally relate to those quick 10 minute dressing sessions behind a locked bedroom door when others are in the house. And I find it just barely scratches the itch and that’s the frustrating part. And it feels like regressing to when I first started in my teenage years (when the family was at Sunday mass – don’t know how I was allowed to miss that – probably pretended to be sick). So yes, I agree it is hardly worth it but shows… Read more »
I love that fact that you got out of church to crossdress! I remember when my parents first started leaving me alone at night, if they were just going shopping or something. It’s like there was absolutely no doubt in my mind what I was going to get up to while they were out! And yeah, the current situation feels like that…
Totally relate to that Lexi. It’s like the minute I had the house to myself for an hour or so, it was off to the races. I think the secrecy and possibility of getting caught, along with the taboo, added to the excitement. However, engaging in these activities while my family was at church on a Sunday morning…also added tremendously to the guilt and shame. But not enough to seek absolution in the confessional…I guess I’m still on that highway to hell to this day…
Hi Mona . I can relate . I started when I was about ten I am now sixty two and never stopped . I thought one day , if I put one of my mothers bathing costumes on I’ll look like a girl . Won’t that be fun ? We were the same size and it was the sixties so polyester was very popular . Her one pieces were soft polyester and had built in panties and breast cups so they gave me the female silhouette . I was about twelve when I put one on one day and got… Read more »
Jodie, Thanks so much for sharing your experience and for the kind words of encouragement. It’s kind of fun to have a fetish, isn’t it? Sometimes I think everyone should have one and I imagine that a high percentage of people do. I appreciate your advice that my activities are perfectly normal. There are times when I totally agree but also times when I have my doubts. Hence the article that I wrote. The sexual part is just one aspect of cross dressing for me – I get just as much pleasure from the whole femme experience of doing my… Read more »
Thank you so much for sharing this with us Mona. Your story is a real eyeopener for me.
Hugs,
Katie
Hi Katie – thanks for your kind words. If the reference to autogynephilia (AGP) is the eye opener for you, there is no shortage of further reading you can find online. It is a really fascinating concept and the interesting thing is how controversial it is. So if you search around online, you encounter endless numbers of blogs, website, articles, etc. for and against the validity of this theory. In my own case, it resonates. But what is often missed is that AGP is not just about sexual arousal but can also encompass romantic love (i.e., a man’s propensity to… Read more »
autogynephilia…….never heard of it until now and will be looking up after writing this thank you for such an interesting story.
Many of the experiences and thoughts you shared resonated with me. Thank you for writing this, I am really looking forward to the next part.
What an interesting piece of writing Mona. It’s brought to the surface some more of my feelings. I thought coming out to my wife 5 months ago would be the end of my struggle but it’s actually just the start. Like you, I go through so many emotions and a few of them are indeed sexual. I look forward both to part two and to looking into autogynephilia. Thank you x
Thanks for this article, Mona – it is partly the reason I rejoined CDH after a 6 month partial-denial hiatus! I was ‘diagnosed’ as autogynephilic a year ago, which set me on this whole journey after coming out to my wife. The thing is, the sexual arousal aspect still only forms one part (albeit a significant one) and by opening my mind to the truth about what I had always thought of only as a fetish has made me be much more open to the strong inner desire to be/present as female from time to time. It’s a pity that… Read more »
I agree with this 100%! A major breakthough for me came after my last “purge," when I realized I hadn’t deleted my Instagram account. I logged in to look at the pictures I had posted there, and got that “feeling" again…but this time, well, like you said about opening your mind to the truth. I began to accept that it can be sexual and it can be more than that too. The two aren’t mutually exclusive.
Absolutely, Lexi. Not mutually exclusive – AGP is not only about a man’s sexual arousal at the thought or image of himself as a woman, but also a man’s propensity to be romantically in love with the image of himself as a woman. I can relate to both, and what I was trying to relate in the article was that I’ve been stymied in terms of the romantic love part (the part where I can dress fully and transform completely into a woman) and so the erotic arousal part has taken on a out sized importance, and has in fact… Read more »
Hi Sarah – thanks for your comments and glad to see you back at CDH after your hiatus. Interesting that you were “diagnosed" with AGP…my understanding is that it was included in the DSM for some period of time but I don’t know if that’s the still the case (I’m not a real psychiatrist, just like to play at being one). There is so much controversy surrounding the theory/concept/label of AGP – you can find endless numbers of articles online arguing for and against its validity. I think it explains the erotic aspect of my cross dressing but that is… Read more »
Thanks for sharing, Mona. This is honest, interesting and I like the approach you’ve taken with the structure. Lots to think about here.