Most of us still have our two little fingers, unless for some interesting reason you don’t; like a table saw or angry spouse or something took them. They happily reside on each hand opposite the thumbs; often called pinkies from where I come from. I love that!
My two little fingers have been boasting what a dear friend calls, “hooker red” nail polish for a few years. Why not paint all your nails; are you afraid? Is this your way of expressing, but not fully? Are you still hiding?
Well, the truth be known, each baby finger nail is for two men in my life who are no longer in their bodies. I won’t say who specifically, out of respect, but they carried the same last name and the same secret as I have carried. They are a previous generation of men within my family.
Both of those gentle souls were closeted crossdressers from birth till their death, and the unpainted nails remind me of how dangerous their time was, even legally, as they were both military men.
They spoke of their dressing to only one person on this entire planet; one person only, which is who contacted me after the second one passed a few years ago. It helped to shed some light on my own desires. “You come by it naturally, Char, it’s in your genes, so to speak,” and they went on to explain how both men, sisters, would wear her shoes when she was out and other articles of hers until she purchased a few things for them. She would go shopping for no reason at times just to be out of the house.
I chose to stop denying and resisting the open expression of my authentic-self some time ago. Denying Char the freedom to express, which I did for the better part of my recently attained 57 years on planet earth is no longer acceptable to me. I hope to help as many others feel as comfortable as I do in my own acceptance. Please repeat aloud after me, “It’s Showtime! It’s My Turn to be free!” Doing so without violating the rights of others, if this is something you choose to embrace.
Many of us have been holding a really, really big beach ball under water with one hand, on the very windy day called our whole life. One day, around the mind-snap time frame for me, I decided to make a different choice for “me.”
Others can take care of their own comfort zone, and I will take care of mine. Yes, I will be careful not to violate their rights; I do my best not to be where I know I’m clearly not welcome.
The truth is, those folks who are not welcoming me into their space, are not welcome in my space either, unless they have come to genuinely get a better understanding; then, I have many things to say. So I’m good with staying out of their space and they can stay out of mine.
Even water will wear down solid rock by taking the path of least resistance, expanding it a little at a time. Girlfriends, gentle pressure and steady, unwavering persistence changes all minds, even our own!
My favorite quote of Papa Gandhi is, “We will not use violence; we simply will not comply!”
I am rising above the old beliefs that were planted in me as a child, beliefs born out of fear, “for my life”.
Actions meant to protect me from the hellish world that hated “different” with passion. The compressing of Charee’ was to keep my mother’s gentle little girly boy son from being beaten, harassed, and who knows what back in the 70’s and 80’s
The unpainted finger nails remind me of the suppression and fear-driven control that hung over the heads of many of our previous generations. Expressing as freely in the world as we do today would have been a certain suffering, even a decade or two ago. “I am sooo Grateful for my freedoms!”
The two brilliant red pinky nails express the freedom to “be” on their behalf, your behalf, and my behalf. My only reply to those who ask why they are painted is, “I like it.” No further explanation required.
Do we really need to justify or offer up a multitude of reasons for simply being? We are only responsible for one comfort zone; respectfully, that is our own. Simple to say, but not at all easy for most of us; it gets easier if we choose that.
When the most wonderful woman ever said yes, and we were married, I was not nearly clear of the distance my dressing would go and I told her so; we are working together to find our personal and singular win/win. She bought me the cutest Sketcher Aqua sneakers, some very comfortable leggings, a few dresses, and a sweet aqua bracelet recently in support of my meness. I love her for giving me the room to breathe, and I am grateful.
The more I imagine me free to “be” with no shame or guilt attached, the more I see it happening around me. I imagine walking through the malls, parks, and stores with my head held high and sporting my usual outgoing, accepting, friendly demeanor no matter what. I imagine how absolutely wonderful it feels to be free! I refuse to acknowledge an insult but simply smile and say, “Thank you for sharing your opinion,” and walk on. Insults are very few these days because confidence is an armor not many are willing to attack. Fake it till you make it because practice makes you better!
Recently, I was invited to Hawaii with my amazing wife and several of her sisters; (large family, because I’ve been claimed as one of the sisters.) None of the other brother-in-laws are invited or allowed on this trip, so I respectfully declined. I was told immediately that it wasn’t an option; the girls are going and so are you! So pack your bikini honey!
My point? We spend so much of our time obsessing and focusing on the negative aspects of our passion, the passion to express ourselves freely, openly, and lovingly.
Someone once said to me, “I love hitting myself in the forehead with a hammer because it feels so good when I stop.”
I practice daily laying down the hammer and becoming water. I’m allowing the beach ball to float lightly upon the sunny surface as it’s meant to do. That is what is natural…I no longer create my own suffering by forcing, but instead I quietly “be” and allow others the room to breathe, not without fear at times, but as best I can. I do it with courage, persistence, and painting my nails “hooker red” of course; I love that color!
I tip my hat to each of you who summons the courage in not complying with staying small; who expresses as freely as it is safe to do so, while stretching the limits and changing minds a little more each year.
The minds that we most need to change are our own. We do not need to force anything or anyone because what I am experiencing is that once we are fully accepting of us, then they will eventually follow. Who knows, you might even get invited to Hawaii or Canada for a girl’s retreat (wink, wink!!)
Namaste’ Dear Souls
Thank you for being exactly who you are!
Char
More Articles by Char
- Happy Holidays?
- Are you willing to feeel goood?
- Getting back to normal?
- Something to Celebrate
- True freeedom exists!
Latest posts by Char (see all)
- Happy Holidays? - December 20, 2021
- Are you willing to feeel goood? - August 19, 2021
- Getting back to normal? - July 7, 2021
- Something to Celebrate - June 30, 2021
- True freeedom exists! - May 5, 2021
This was very beautiful, thank you so much for sharing your feelings.
Amazingly well written article. You articulate your thoughts in a way that is captivating! Thanks so much for sharing this story. I agree that confidence is the key. When we convince ourselves that we have value and deserve a place in this world just like everyone else, there is no stopping us!
Absolutely fabulous. Thanks for that articulate expression of your feelings and life. I am going through the acceptance of myself phase right now. Once through it, I think, like you say, whatever else happens regarding others feelings about me and my gender expression is their issue, not mine. “to thine own self be true"
Thank you for sharing Char,
JaiymeLynne
Char,
Fascinating story…and timely. As it happens, I bought a bottle of bright red nail polish today (for my toes). Now, I’m going add a “pinky", in honor of the best friend I ever had. (It will be a month from now, on the 5th anniversary of the day I lost him). A fitting token of remembrance.
Hugs,
Bettylou
Very beautifully written and so true. Sometimes the truth is right in front of us and we just need to open our eyes. Thanks for sharing.
Truly wonderful words and way to go! I also am 57 and just had to let go of that beachball!
What a relief – acceptance all around (like Wow – who’d’ve thunk it) but, not quite, just my wonderful, gorgeous soul-make/wife…
I’m giving her all the time she needs, I brought this shit to her table but, as you say, I can only manage my own happiness.
Nice one Char,
Be Girly 🙂
–Sofi
Char-as always you express so eloquently the experiences so many of us share. I love the beach ball metaphor-my beach ball is not “free floating" yet but it IS more like an iceberg slightly in reverse. Cyn is probably 505 above and below the surface-still a ways to go but far better than the 905 submergence I had earlier. Thanks as always for your inspiration.
Cyn
PS-next time you go to Hawaii-if ya need a companion…just sayin’
Char,
A very courageous statement that contains some common sense for just about anyone who reads it. You are to be commended.
Extremely well written. needs to be spoken someplace. don’t leave it on a page. let it ring. this needs to be heard around the world.