Are you ashamed of being a crossdresser

Last week I got a resounding response when I touched on the topic of otherwise benign crossdressing websites displaying a warning. Perhaps, not so subtly asking the question – Are we ashamed of crossdressing?

I got a touching response from Michelle via email. She has kindly allowed me to share it with you:

But some of us are not proud of who we are at all.  I for one am VERY conflicted.  I really enjoy dressing up pretty and sometimes it is sexual, but sometimes it is not.  My wife, however, does not tolerate it at all, sexual or not, private or not.  I love my wife dearly, so when I do dress behind her back, I feel extremely guilty.  Sometimes the guilt is because I have been to websites that I should not have been to, and sometimes it is because I have indulged myself sexually (never with another person, just masturbating, but still) and I know that she would not be pleased.  Sometimes I wish that Michelle would just go away and not haunt me anymore.  But then, I am irresistibly drawn to do something later that I will regret.  I feel as though I have no power of myself.  But you are happy with who you are so you probably don’t understand me (and those like me) and I don’t even know why I am telling you all this.

Michelle showed bravery and honesty in sharing this with me. I know first hand the pain, self-loathing and confusion she expresses. The lack of control over your desires, wanting to fulfill your needs and to still love and respect your wife. These are not easy things to grapple with. Many people never have to deal with something so heart wrenching.

Michelle’s email is a beautiful expression of a truth many crossdressers live with, and it touched a chord with me. I thought I’d share my response to her with you, dear reader.

I spent much of my life believing that crossdressing was a curse, or worse – a sin I needed constant forgiveness for. Society and religion had convinced me that I was doing something wrong. If only I had enough will power, or enough faith, or a mastery of my emotional triggers – then I would be free of crossdressing. I was wrong for doing it, and I was weak for continuing. As much as I accomplished in my life I could never conquer crossdressing. I felt powerless, until I realized that I did have the power.

I could not change my desire to crossdress, any more than I could change my height or the color of my eyes. But I could change the meaning it held for me. Up until then I had viewed crossdressing as a cross I must bear, but what if it was truly a blessing? I couldn’t make society accept me, but what if I accepted myself?

With much introspection I asked myself – why should I be ashamed of crossdressing? At this question my mind flooded me with answers, most of which involved some variation of how other people would perceive me. I tend to agonize about what other people think, but crossdress or not, other people have perceptions of me – both positive and negative that I can influence but not control. Should I be ashamed because of what other people may think? For centuries people thought ill of another based on the color of their skin. Does that mean every person of color should feel ashamed? Absolutely not!

It took a long time, but I finally overcame this reason to be ashamed. Yet so many more reasons remained. One kept nagging me – ‘was this the most productive use of my time?’. Were the hours spent perfecting my makeup technique and shopping for clothes well spent? Perhaps not – though the same could be said for hitting a little white ball around with a stick.

The mind is cunning, next it asked, ‘What about your wife Vanessa? Surely your crossdressing must do harm to her, don’t you feel guilty about what you put her through?’ Ahh, well played mind. I do feel guilty about this. For my wife I want to be the man she deserves. I don’t agonize about the perceptions of the nameless stranger on the street, but I do care very deeply about what my wife thinks.

So I took a step back, and took stock of my ‘husbandry’. I crossdress, but I’m more caring and compassionate than most men. I wear makeup, but I treat her as my equal and respect her opinion. I’d rather get a manicure than tinker with a car, but I share my feelings and listen to her do the same. I realized that our relationship to another is more complex than a single issue. How fortunate a couple would be if crossdressing were the only issue to deal with. It doesn’t erase the guilt I feel putting her through this, but it does put it in perspective. Would your wife rather you spend every night drinking in the bar than crossdress? Likely not…

Sex has a unique way of making us feel guilty – we’re conditioned to be ashamed of our bodies almost since birth. In this case, perhaps you feel uncomfortable that your desire to crossdress is partly sexual. Even organizations like Tri-Ess try their best to separate crossdressing from sexuality. This is one I don’t feel qualified to unpack, though having a sex drive and becoming aroused is natural and healthy.

So is crossdressing a blessing? That’s something you get to decide for yourself. Personally, crossdressing has made me a better person. It has also allowed me a unique opportunity to share my acceptance with others. If I can offer just one person comfort and hope, then I’m doubly blessed in getting to share my blessing with others.

You may not be able to control your crossdressing, but you can control what it means to you. Will it mean shame, guilt and heartache? Will it be a part time hobby you indulge in, as harmful as a round of golf? Or will it open up the doors to bless others with compassion and love?

The choice is yours. The only wrong answer is choosing not to decide.

Hugs and blessings,
Vanessa


Dear reader, what do you think? How have you come to terms with your crossdressing? How do you deal with the shame and guilt? Is crossdressing a blessing or a curse?

Exceptional Voice

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Jennifergordon
5 years ago

I sometimes have a problem with the constant urges to dress but over the years I have learned to accept it. If you don’t it will make life difficult. Acceptance makes things run smoother. Will wear my new pink panties to see my dr. Today!

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Jamies time
5 years ago

Vanessa I believe crossdressing is a blessing I have never felt so good until I started dressing and always shopping for new cloethes . Now I go to salons for makeup sessions and buying new purfumes on female mode. I get so much attention at stores from the help trying to help me. Thank you for your help also and all of the caring ladies.

Suzanne Jeffries
Member
5 years ago

Before the internet and sites like this one I thought I was the only person in the world me. I knew I was completely “normal” in every way except that I liked dressing completely as a woman. After 23 years of marriage I came out to my wife. It took her about a year but she came to completely accept Suzanne. She went from just tolerating it to accepting it to embracing it. We now go shopping for clothes, makeup and all things feminine together. She has helped me so much with my feminine presentation. Now for the topic at… Read more »

JaneS
Member
JaneS
5 years ago

Suzanne your story resonates on so many levels. Our stories are very similar.

I wasted far too many years feeling shame and guilt. Now I just live for each day and share my life with the most wonderful person in my world.

🙂

Dianne Baldwin
Dianne Baldwin
5 years ago

Great piece . It was the story of many of us

Rosaliy Lynne
Member
Rosaliy Lynne
5 years ago

Like many of us, I too, conditioned by church and family, felt it was wrong to cross dress as a girl and later as a woman. But, as was noted in Vanessa’s reply to Michelle, all that negative vanished with the simple truth of self acceptance. Dressing as a female felt good but more importantly it felt right. Once I accepted that, it was easy to accept that I was a good person AND that it was ok for me to dress feminine. Over the years I have made many changes and adjustments. As a boy child growing up, I… Read more »

Holly G
Member
5 years ago

I have struggled a great deal with this over the past year. Before I would feel guilt about not only the dressing, but for keeping it from my wife. Last year she found a pair of my high heels and we had a very long emotional and frightening talk that night. She seemed ok with it that night and I thought things would be great after that weight was lifted…instead, the next time it came up I realized that although it appeared she might have been ok with it, she absolutely wasn’t, at least not yet…so now I have a… Read more »

KerryMichelle
KerryMichelle
5 years ago

Vanessa, Thank you for the well written article. I used to be ashamed to be a crossdresser. But I finally realized that I’m just a normal person like probably one out of every 50 males who are also crossdressers. If you’re born with your brain programmed to become a crossdresser, then you’re going to stay that way, no matter how much I wish I could reach inside my head and flip the switch that turns crossdressing off. I haven’t told my wife yet and I know there are terrible risks that I’ll be found out, especially now that I’ve started… Read more »

SIESSA
SIESSA
5 years ago

I never looked at it as a blessing. We are bless. You don’t have to be guilt for [being you] !thank you. WITH LOVE

Jaimelynn
Member
Jaimelynn
5 years ago

Hi Vanessa,
CDH has helped me to accept myself and put an end to my self loathing and purging. I have decided to take what was for me a curse and turn it into a blessing for myself alone that is. When life hands you a lemon…make lemonade…a thirst quencher. It has become a part of my daily life now and facilitates and motivates me to diet better, exercise better, waist train with a passion, and motivates me in pursing my musical ambitions. But I, like you, can only speak for myself.

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