Like most of us here at CDH I began cross dressing at a very early age, 11 or 12 years old and fell in love with the way I looked and felt when I dressed. I experimented with makeup a lot. One day I would use some foundation, concealer, powder the next day eye shadow, another day lip stick and so on. Seems like no matter where I was I would always find someones makeup and get into it sometimes even taking it.
By 13 I had makeup down pretty good. While other boys went and did what young boys usually do, it seems like I was always staying home playing dress up for reasons I did not know of at the time. Anytime my sisters and mother were gone I went into experiment mode putting on makeup and getting dressed into something of my sisters. I felt deeply obligated to do this and came to a conclusion that I loved the way I felt and looked so much more than how I looked or felt as a boy.
Was I a strange kid? Why was I so infatuated with dressing up as a girl in any my alone time. I used to sit in class at school and look around at other boys in my and wonder if I was the only boy who did what I did. I think I came to a conclusion that I had to be the only one thus separating myself even more from them and other kids. One day at the age of 16 I got up the courage after drinking some of my mothers wine to get dressed up and go outside for a short walk and I remember how every minute was so fearing yet exciting for me it was. That day was the day I knew I wanted to be seen even more and I wanted to continue evolving.
I dressed nearly everyday, trying new ways for makeup, choosing what to wear, doing my hair in different ways, practicing how I walked, how I talked and deciding what look I loved the most. Where I live the age to enter a bar was 19 but when I was around 17 (because I was defiant and never paid too much attention to rules) I got all dressed up one evening while everyone was gone. I had bought my mothers car when she bought a new one thus having my first car. I had found the only gay bar there was at the time and had tried to get up the courage to walk in. Hey at the worst all they could do was not let me in right. Just down the street was a little market and I pulled into the parking lot and parked. I was nervous as hell could have it. I’m sitting there trying to figure out a way I might be able to get in unnoticed when a car pulls up beside me.
There was a guy sitting in the passenger seat but it was the driver that caught my attention. Without a second thought I quickly recognized the driver as being a obvious drag queen. As I sat looking at them she looked back at me then and smiled with a little wave attached. It was definitely striking evidence that we as cross dressers and drag queens will always be able to recognize another. She then waved her finger for me to get out of my car and come over to her in which I did. After a brief introduction and compliments to one another I came right out and told her what I was attempting to do which was go into the bar down the street and she well get in I’ll take you there.
Without hesitation I went back to my car and locked it up and got into their car. We dropped the guy friend she had off at his house and proceeded to the bar. I was so nervous I was shaking. Her and I walked right past the man who was standing at the door to checks, he didn’t even look at us twice. I was in and within a minute felt like I belonged there. She and I became friends fast and after some conversation it was though we had known one another a life time. Over a short period of time we established a true friendship and she became like my best friend as well as a mentor. We began getting dressed together and going to the bar where I was making plenty of friends.
I won’t go into some of the under ground activity that came afterwards after I had begun to meet people in the gay scene but I will say I did get involved deeply. I was seventeen almost 18 and had come to be friends with much of the people there. In wrapping this story up it’s safe to say I had found my new home, my life was going in the direction I had wanted it to go in and I loved every minute of it. So it came to be that not too long after I established what I had behind closed doors was then a way of life. But however, today brings me somewhat confusion of who I am.
With cross dressing I can go out in public dressed and be recognized as a guy dressed as a woman or living the life as a woman. But am I a woman? No, am I transgender wanting H.R.T. and re-assignment surgery? No is my answer to that question as well. Or am I just a drag queen that loves to get dressed up and go out to the bars or clubs and be involved in the gay scene? Yes I do like that part of my journey. But is it enough to quench my hunger or thirst for being feminine? I believe the answer to that question remains all the way back to when I was young and dressing in silence behind closed doors. I will soon be 57 years old, I think it’s a little too late to rethink my life so allow me to make my very last big decision and that is to continue just being who I am, being me!