When you marry the man you love, you hope for a life of bliss – your own ‘happiness ever after’, but even the most optimistic of us will expect some challenges along this wonderful journey called marriage. You probably didn’t expect him to utter these fateful words, ‘Honey, I’m a Cross Dresser’.
A few weeks ago I wrote an article about what to do if your boyfriend is a cross dresser.
Today I’ll address some of the most common questions from wives who find out that their husband is a cross dresser. I highly recommend that you buy a copy of the book My Husband Wears My Clothes. It was written a few years ago by Peggy Rudd, a PhD and wife of a cross dresser. She provides loving insight into the how and why of cross dressing.
So what do you do when you find out for the first time? The most important thing to realize is that it is okay to feel shocked, uncertain and confused. It’s not every day that you meet a cross dresser, much less find out that your husband is one!
The next thing to realize, is that he is telling you this because he loves and trusts you deeply. He is probably just as scared as you are right now. You both need to be careful not to say anything that would hurt the other person.You’re both in a sensitive position. While you should respect that he it is difficult for him to share with you, you should also expect him to go as fast or as slow as you can handle.
The first thing to do is reassure him that you love him. This will be tough to do. You’re shocked and not in full control of your emotions, but even though you just discovered your husband is a cross dresser you need to show love.
So now you may be wondering:
He’s a cross dresser, is he gay? Probably not, most cross dressers are heterosexual
Why didn’t he tell me about his crossdressing sooner? This one is tricky, ideally he would have shared with you before you were married. Most likely he thought he could control it, he thought that being married would quell the urge to cross dress. That hardly ever (never) happens, and he probably put it off for so long because he was afraid of how you would react. Ironically, he has hid this secret from you for so long because he loves you so much!
Why does he cross dress? Phew, an even tougher but great question. I explored this in some detail in my article ‘why do men cross dress‘. The short answer is that no one knows for sure and many men have different reasons for why they cross dress, but most describe it as a need, an urge that won’t go away.
How can I make him stop cross dressing? You’re asking all the right questions love, but you probably won’t like the answer to this one. You can’t stop him from cross dressing. Sure, you’ll fight and he’ll promise not to cross dress, but a few months later you’ll find a pair of size 12 pink pumps in the wardrobe…
Does he want a sex change? Probably not. There are fewer transsexuals than cross dressers, so it is less likely that your husband has a desire to change his sex. Most cross dressers are happily married and only enjoy dressing part time.
So now what do I do? As I mentioned above, reassure him that you love him. Spend a lot of time in deep, open conversation with him about his desire to cross dress. Learn as much as you can about it (I know I sound like a used car salesman, but trust me buy this book!). Learn to compromise – let this grow you closer together rather than split you apart. Work with your husband to set limits that you are comfortable with as well. If you don’t want him to dress when your friends are around; let him know.
Tri-Ess has some great information and a Crossdressers wives bill of rights which makes for a great starting point as you and your husband come to a fair compromise about his cross dressing. There are many other good resources on the Internet. Also, take some time to explore Crossdresser Heaven, I’ve gathered a number of resources that may be valuable for you.
Good luck, and please contact me if you need any support or advice!
Hugs,
Vanessa
P.S. Thanks to my lovely wife for reviewing this article before I posted it. As much as we listen, we need to be open to the precious woman in our lives – they are often trying to tell us more.
EDITOR NOTE: Crossdresser Heaven has a program exclusively for Significant Others. You’ll be able to discuss issues in private with other SOs. Explore our Significant Other Program and contact JaneS if you are interested or would like further information. We would love to welcome you.
More Articles by Vanessa Law
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- I Want to Live Like That
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I like to wear womens underwear. Silky satin and lace, smooth, shiny, stretchy underwear. Actually, I love to wear womens’ underwear. I even sleep each night in a long satin nightdress and panties. For me it is strictly a case of sexual arousal – I have no interest in becoming a woman or even being seen dressed as a woman outside my house other than as a “caught" scenario fantasy to enhance masturbation. Neither have I any interest in men – again excepting fantasy role play instructions from a dominant woman to perform sexual acts on another man (actually doing… Read more »
Hi, My name is Tabitha Anderson. I had read what you had said about cross dressing. I had also just purchased the book “MY HUSBAND WEARS MY CLOTHES". I have not read it yet. I am writing you to say that I have been married for 4 years to my husband and have been with him for 10 years. He had told me that he was a cross dresser when we had gotten together before we were married. I hate to sound mean but I have asked him several times to stop and had called him gay. maybe now I… Read more »
This is confusing-You knew,it bothered you& you got married anyway!!!
Kids are the most accepting of differance of all humans(unless they are taught intolerance& hate)!
Wife& I raised 5 kids-now have grandkids& they all know& accept my dressing &-You know what-they are more conservitive that wife or I!!
Think of it this way-Are you Excatly the same as YOUR mother!!!!!
Hi Tabitha, First of all, it’s very late, but I felt the need to respond. I jumped back to the beginning because the paragraphs could have been better organized, but i’m so tired. I am a straight cross-dresser. I’m forty three and i’ve never had sex with a man. And, I never will. I absolutely adore women! I love everthing about them. The way they look, the way the feel and smell, the way they think. And, I really love the way they carry themselves, they’re so graceful and beautiful. Just look at the way a man walks compared to… Read more »
Someone said a lot of people worry about what others might say or think. I worry more about the violence. I’m afraid someone might beat me up or worse. I hear so much about transgender people getting hurtit worries me.
Yes-safety can still be a concern-BUT -If more of us don’t get out in public-things will Never get better!
Hi myself I got lucky i been cross dressing since I was ten years old I used to take my mom and sister bra and panties and wear them when I could as I got older I though I grew out of it but no I used to dress for my wife and she loved it it made our sex better I got with another girl few year later I didn’t know how she feel about it I started out telling her I love wearing panties she was ok with it then it got to more and more I couldn’t… Read more »
Just How is crossdressing “Harmful" to children?
Something I have struggled with personally. I think ,me personally, that a child’s sexuality is dormant; their minds are occupied with figuring out how the mechanical world works. Why does the sun come up? Why do I put shoes on my feet ? Adding adult gender rolls to their menu makes them skip some of the basics. Kinda like ,which is more interesting ? , the shiny rock or the the grey rock. The child sees for the most part mommies and daddies ,female and male ,respectively, then if all a sudden your daddie becomes a mommy ; it’s just… Read more »
I’m not so shure about that IF it’s handled in a responsible(Adult) way–
We(wife& I) have been through this MANY times over with friends/family& even nieghbours kids over the yrs—The most effective& accepted thing to say is very simple–
“He likes to play Dressup-The kids say OK & go about playing with their toys or friends-The subject rarely comes up again —
Problems are most likely going to come from Adults-
So true Janedon,
Kids are so accepting of those around them until we teach them what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong’.
Hey Anthony,
I’m not a sociologist or psychologist, though my impression would be that children easily accept the world that is and don’t bring the baggage of value judgements into it like an adult would do. Sure, daddy dressing up like mommy might be interesting for a day (or an hour), but very soon they’ll consider it normal and get on with the business of discovering all the foreign things out there (like seeing if they can fly by jumping off the couch)
If I may, I have expreience with this as I have children. They are grown up now, and I am not a CD but transsexual. I agree with Vanessa with children accepting easier than we might think. The only problem was that my son was picked on because of me.
I told my wife right at the beginning of our life together in 1985. For me the urge & feelings got stronger & stronger. I hid the dressing as female away, while our boys grew up. But it made me severely depressed & I had a nervous breakdown. So I came out to my sons aged 14 & 18 at the time & they were fine about it. Once my youngest left mainstream school. He said now you can get the help you need. 5 years on from that & have been living full time as the woman I always… Read more »
A wonderful inspiration hon! I’m so happy to hear how strong your family has been through all of this. Best of luck with your upcoming surgery!!
Is this site only for crossdressers or can transsexuals join in the conversations too?
Lori—Welcome to the group
Hey Lori, feel free to join the conversation too. I transitioned 5 years ago and keep this site running as a service to all in the transgender community. Welcome dear!
Gigi, I completely agree. My husband told me that he was a crossdresser 18 months ago, when we’d been married for nearly 16 years, with four children. He then promptly had a breakdown. After this I think I had one too, but didn’t feel I could speak to anyone about the issues behind it, so I sought help online. Only to have the same experience as you – nearly all the counselling material is written with a CD slant….I love my husband immensely, but I just can’t be involved in his CDing. I would also dearly love to be able… Read more »
Debbie, if I may make a suggestion, I don’t know where you live. I live in the US and there are support groups for CD’s and their significant others. Usually the support groups for significant others are within the groups for CD’s. It’s only for significant others so they can get understanding and support. If I were you I would look for these groups in your area. You may try a search on Google. Just so you know, I am not a CD. I am a m-f transsexual living as a female fulltime, but I know these groups exist. I… Read more »
Thanks Lori,
That’s great advice! I’ve got a few support groups listed here: https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/about/crossdresser-support-groups/ as well
Debbie, You’re a brave soul and a strong woman, from what it sounds like. From what I know about the significant other’s perspectives and feelings, it seems that thee are certain elements of your life that you know to be a certain way. It’s your rock or foundation, so to speak. You’ve married another person and “think" you know who that person is and why wouldn’t you? You have children with that person, you live with them day in and day out. Then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, out comes a big surprise and it’s not what you… Read more »
I do think that a lot of couples can get through this and manage to do quite well in most cases once the initial shock has subsided and have had time to discuss it further. It likely won’t calm down immediately but once cooler heads prevail and there is time to really talk it through without any sort of anger from being blindsided on her part and the hurt that the CD feels from the rejection dies down, then, progress can be made….hopefully. One of my arguments or defense platforms or rebuttals to her is that what I am doing… Read more »
hello can we make friends pawanadhikari1987@gmail.com my face book id
9639460603 my phone number
as a closet wearer of womens underwear and stockings etc…. I have a beard , and let me say that I would never shave it off. This stops me from wearing more clothes, but I want to remain fully male. I would think that if i removed the beard to look more feminine then I would be on the road to considering the shemale route. I have found my comfort zone and like many others,do not step out of it. ask him outright where his comfort zone extends and set reasonable boundries acceptable to both. and should he step outside… Read more »
Oh hon, This is a terribly difficult for you. This is something that he is likely getting fulfillment from, and it sounds like you’ve read enough to know that this is not a choice but an innate part of who he is. Have you had a chance to have a heart to heart with him, and let him know how you feel while listening to where he’s coming from? I’m sure that he doesn’t mean to hurt you, but at the same time this is not what you want, and impacts your happiness. All I can offer are my blessings,… Read more »