Ah…… depression. An ever-present companion. If I ever wonder who or what I can count on, I know depression will always be there, lurking, waiting to envelop me, wrap its arms around me and consume me. It seems I have been fighting depression for most of my life, only really recognizing its all-pervading influence on my life the past few years. A trip to the emergency room and then the psych ward has a tendency to focus your attention.

What, you say, does this have to do with crossdressing? Well, everything, and nothing. Suppressing my crossdressing added another layer to my inherent tendency towards depression. What I have discovered is that freeing myself to dress when I feel the urge has lessened my depression but has not eliminated it. There are so many factors that go into the psyche, and my crossdressing is only one. We are all complicated individuals, with many, many facets. I have learned over the past two years that my moods swing all over the map, and I just have to weather them as they come. My crossdressing allows me an escape at times, but at other times the desire is not there and I need to cope in other ways. So I go to counseling, spend time with my wonderful children, and plan for retirement  (can’t come soon enough!)

Depression to me is just a companion that I interact with on my journey through life. Always accompanying me, occasionally in the background, but often out front and center. I have learned that it is just a part of my life, so I work it into my ongoing existence. It’s part of who I am so I am learning to live with it – even embrace it. What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger – right?

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These musings lead me to this – I guess what I would hope is that all of you wonderful ladies come to realize that you have many, many aspects to your personality. Don’t let dressing, or the lack thereof, define you or your happiness. Embrace your life and embrace who you are – male, female, or both. All parts of your life are worth living. And if you stay true to who you are you will be able to handle what comes your way – be it your family, depression, or society at large. Just as crossdressing is part of who I am, so is my depression. I have learned to incorporate both into my life. The longer I live the more I realize that life is a matter of accepting who we are and learning to live with all aspects of our nature. Odd at times, but necessary.

We all have that capability – if you haven’t already, you can learn to love who you are – ALL of you. Remember, you encompass all parts of your personality. Love all of who you are and your life will be that much better for it.

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April (Pacific Princess)

I am finally exploring transitioning after years of thinking about it. I have been crossdressing since about the age of 7, and took a 30+ year hiatus from dressing while I was busy raising my family. I started dressing again a few years ago, and lately I have realized that I am TG, not simply someone who likes to crossdress. I finally like who I am, and though I am moving closer and closer to who I want to be, I'm not quite sure who that is yet. I recently started dressing almost every day, and it is interesting, but the more I explore my female self and the closer I get to moving ahead with transitioning the more relaxed my style gets. I'm still a bit of a perfectionist though, and love going “all out” when the time calls for it. I'm just finally at peace with who I am and can't wait to keep moving forward.

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Terri (@terrim)
2 years ago

April, great article. Like yourself I have struggled with depression my whole life. Much of it was related to my dressing and or being transgendered. Thank you for sharing.

Vicky Baxter
2 years ago

Please help me out here, there’s something I don’t get. If someone has a problem with their gallstone, for example, or most other non-terminal medical conditions, they go to the doctor and expect to get it fixed. But if someone has a mental health problem like depression, surely we should expect a clinical psychologist to fix it? I realise that for some conditions, like schizophrenia, we don’t yet have a cure, but surely for depression, counselling should work? I am a counsellor specialising in PTSD, and over the years, my success rate is 89%. (I always give psychometric tests before… Read more »

2 years ago

Thank you, very much for a BEAUTIFUL article, April.

Amanda Patrick
Amanda Patrick (@sensitive4)
2 years ago

Hi April, Loved your Article. As Somebody who has also Suffered from Depression most of my life Only it took a number of years to realize it. I suffered A lot of Trauma as a Child. But in the 50,s and 60,s we sucked a lot of things up and moved on. Plus my Depression is also Inherent. I also Suppressed my Feelings of Cross-dressing for many years Which probably did not help. But Like your self I am trying to embrace all parts of me and it is a journey. But one I seem determined to keep Travelling. After… Read more »

Tracii Greene
Tracii Greene (@anne-greene)
2 years ago

Great article. Personally depression isn’t and never has been something I have had to deal with no matter how bad things may have been at the time. I have been thru a lot of hard times and been involved in some bad situations too and depression just never reared its head because I knew I just had to deal with the situation at hand because I was alone and there was no one else to fix the problem I happened to be dealing with except me alone. I know a lot of people deal with depression and I really do… Read more »

Tracii Greene
Tracii Greene (@anne-greene)
2 years ago

There is one girl on FB that constantly says stuff like I want to die or whats the use I’m never right. Her friends say she does it for attention. They say she has been that way for years.
I know we are all different and that depression is a real thing.
I would never wish an ailment on anyone.
My life is far from perfect but I am alive so I am thankful for all that I do have.
I hope you can get it under control April.

Claire Bunny
Claire Bunny (@claire-x)
2 years ago

Excellent article April.and very well written.im not the best writer myself but I found it uplifting.also I myself and I am sure many other ladies here have similar experiences of depression.. ,I’m also a late bloomer .i am happy today And I just live a day at a time.its great that I have found this wonderful site.and I wish you all happiness and love

Lucinda Hawkns
Active Member
Lucinda Hawkns (@dlgeb275)
2 years ago

great readings, i always thought if i did not dress up i would be depressed, going to hospital to find out nothing wrong tons of times, then i went to see my regular Dr and he said its panic attacks. ever since then i have been taking kolapin for panic attacks and i have not been in hospital, but i do at times feel depressed that i am not dressing up. its all what you have written so i don’t have to repeat it. but great story and great readings. we all should read this one and learn from it

Sunita (@sunitasharma)
2 years ago

I am also fighting depression. As I try to escape ‘real’ world, it is very comfortable to be SUNITA. Unfortunately I can’t dress up every now and then. But yes inside me I am what I desire. God knows, where it will lead…
Sick of this WORLD!!! I feel I do not belong to THIS world.
Hope, Prince of my dream will come one day… He will carry me ( dressed up in wedding gown) to the other world….
But …. This cruel world will not let this happen ….
And depression
Again depression

Sunita (@sunitasharma)
2 years ago

Thanks April. This is the reason why I am @ crossdresserheaven.
You know you are not alone. There is someone who understands you better.
Anyway thanks again

Gisela Claudine
Gisela Claudine (@firefly)
2 years ago

Great article, April. Thank you very much. Depression is a bitter companion. Sometimes I find myself bored with life. I feel defeated. I’m mentally exhausted. It seems to me that everything is rotten. I know that, at that precise moment, it is better to scare off ghosts. To struggle. Do not let myself be defeated. There’s only one live. I am unique I have virtues and defects like everyone else. It is up to me to get the most out of them. I am able to survive. I’m a fighter and I will not give up. Never more. Cinnamon kisses.… Read more »

2 years ago

Hi April, It seems that we have a lot in common. I suffer also with depression, and have only really just come to terms with my cross dressing guilt. I was stuck in a cycle of internet gratification of a cross dressing fantasy nature, followed by feeling of self loathing. I rarely ever actually cross dressed. Through councelling I have realized that so much of who I am is to do with my childhood and upbringing. In particular the relationship I have with my non-maternal mother. My wife realizes that I need to explore this side of my nature, and… Read more »

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