Those of you who have read my previous articles already know my story. I’m somewhere between being transgendered and a full-fledged CD. I’m at the point where I don’t separate my two-selves anymore. They’re always both present, whatever I may be wearing. It can be both problematic and humorous. My current options don’t allow me much freedom to dress during the Spring-Fall, thus, no shaved arms or legs, and my perfume use is minimal as is the opportunity to fully be Brina. I’ve adapted and no longer have to ride out the months until winter comes and Brina takes control. It’s because we’ve become one, each giving at times to the other. There are times, however, where I sometimes wish (okay…really want) to be more open and year-round. I’m an introvert by nature, so that’s already one strike. I’m also 6 foot and carrying more weight recently (though I’m going to really work on that this off Brina season), and I love high heels which makes blending in more difficult unless I concede and wear flats.

I’m not going to share the why, but I’m packing up Brina’s things, removing them from a place of prominence to be relegated to boxes and hidden in my dresser drawers amongst the male clothes. At least they are within reach and close by. Some winter items and the extra shoes (if there is such a thing) get put into my storage shed until next December. The big point here is that I adapt to survive and keep moving forward. This would all be easy to do if the “cat was out of the bag.” Not yet, but soon. I still take my current responsibilities seriously and I’m not yet ready to face the music. If it were to happen, then I will wade through it together with Brina. She’s not going anywhere and “Baby’s not going to be put in the corner.”

Ok…back to the topic: My Reflection. Who do you see when you look in the mirror, both dressed and in your male persona? This is an interesting question for me. Is being a CD like being in love; are we in some ways blind to the imperfections? I admit upfront that I don’t like looking at my male self and only do it to shave and brush my hair, maybe check my teeth and lips to make sure the lip-gloss hasn’t left any lingering traces. It’s much easier to look at Brina’s reflection and see more of the positives rather than the negatives, though she’s always pointing out the hair in the ears and the eyebrows that are becoming more difficult to shape as “old man syndrome” is setting in. Tweezers are my best friend…

Makeup Magic

I look at my legs and see the girly legs I’ve always had, the “man boobs” that I wish would grow a few sizes (but am happy that I have enough to make respectable cleavage), and the eyes that mostly convey tolerance, hope, and understanding versus the way they used to reflect shame, depression, and guilt. I have a computer full of Brina selfies, and none of my male persona. I study those pictures of Brina to see where I need improvement (everywhere!!!) and what I’ve done right (thank God for those legs). I’ve also started to compare Brina to other women I see and I’ve learned that I’m attracted to the type of women who share some of my characteristics…so does that make me a lesbian now? I like women who wear makeup well (office sultry) and aren’t afraid of dressing nice (with a hint of sexuality). I also love women who can accessorize with jewelry and rock a pair of heels. I’m also becoming more attracted to others like me that can pull off femininity…does that make me a mensbian or maybe a transbian? New labels to add to the growing list.

There is a vast collection of pictures posted on our site and across the internet. They range from fetish to those who have transitioned. I’m always amazed when I see the before and after pictures because it gives me hope should I ever walk that path…not saying I will or won’t. It depends on the day of course… and money…lots of it…. It brings me to my final thought. We need to be inclusive and non-judgmental. I’ve walked in some of the other’s shoes, but not all of them. I try to be helpful where I can, offering advice and friendship, which is really hard for an introvert…trust me. You won’t find me in the chat rooms—not my thing. For some, being a crossdresser is playing a part or being able to separate two individual personalities, for others, like me, this is just who we are…or are becoming. My daily desire when I face the reflection is to be more kind—kind to myself and kind to others. It’s the one thing that doesn’t cost money and makes a world of difference.

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Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish

Brina is from Iowa, and she is steadily learning how to merge her two halves into one whole. Still closeted after 40 years, she hopes to one-day walk freely and confidently in the open. She spends most of her time working as a self-published novelist under both personas.

Latest posts by Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish (see all)


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tina Smith

Lovely article Brina,
Fortunately I am able to live as Tina at night…but only at night. I only do make-up on
fri and sat. It’s easier that way. I haven’t come out to my family or friends as well. But I am happy to be me.When I get “pretty” as I call it I feel fullfilled…complete…and of course beautiful. Wishing you only the best in journey as we become one with ourselves.

Sara Marie Franklin (SMF)

Brina, We have talked a little before but you are so so much like me or I am so so much like you. I am not as introverted but almost every other aspect is the same. I am lucky I have started to come out of my shell because my wife has found out now. That is a long other story but it is so great to hear someone say exactly what I want to say. Thank you so much for this article it makes me feel so much more at ease with myself, knowing I am not that odd.… Read more »

Cdlovesgood Lopez

Hello hun your very beautiful dressed up if you were closer I’d ask if I can buy you dinner go on a date. Your a Queen Brina a beauty form heaven God blessed you with good looks and very nice body and sexy legs ummm
Sahi saheli

Bernie you are honest in your narration and love that you have famine body with attractive boobs with cleavage which feel great I do crossdress secretly enjoy with my brasserie and panties luckily I have boyfriend who treats me like girl and do date frequently and assures his friends hip.
Sahi saheli

I love Bernie’s reflections I felt excited to read about her boobs ,she is our my to have cleavage and a rarity ,I too have a body totally shaved wearing fitting bra a tight ones to give me confidence of CD,I do date with a boy who likes my famine side and enjoys spending a lot of time with me exploring lady body.
Wendy Beach

Brina, You said it so well. I too am introverted but I learned one thing about people’s perceptions years ago when I did 2 weeks with a Eurail Pass while on leave from Iraq. Rick Steves (Europe through the Backdoor) said that when traveling alone no one knows who you really are. You can take on the role of extrovert and become more engaging to strangers (never being ” the Ugly American”. The seasonal thing was particularly meaningful. I am not transitioning and am very much in the closet. My girl friend is very supportive. Just this evening we went… Read more »
Lara Cross

Brina: Your message (and your style) seems to have started a revolution of honesty. As Lara I still feel suppressed and alone. It helps me to read posts like yours and your many followers. Bless you all and realize your steps (though not in the high heels we both dream to wear) are moving all us a little further toward accepting our selves in a society eager to apply its labels.

Olivia Livin
Active Member

Hi Brina, hoping all is well. I have been crossdressing for a relatively short period of time and am surprised how quickly I am becoming a single identity. Although I still work outside the house and therefore dress drab (underdressed of course) and answer to a male name, that isn’t who I identify with. Keep in mind that the transformation of my appearance is done almost solely through clothing, I rarely wear any make-up or a wig. Even with that, when I look in the mirror I see a happier more attractive and youthful self, and my mirror apparently now… Read more »

Annie Sometimes

I LOVE this article. It speaks to and of me. Thanks for sharing.

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