They say with age comes wisdom. It also brings a confluence of memories and wishes. For those of us who see the world as being more than male and female it typically brings more heartache and unanswered questions. I know that I’m part of the new 40 having just turned 60, but as I look at my friends and classmates from high school on Facebook, I see less wisdom and more age. That’s not meant as a knock on them. You know, “Once a… still a…”
What would they all say if I suddenly replaced my male cover photo with one of Brina’s? I can imagine, as I’m sure most of you can also, and to those of you who have actually done it, I’d love to hear what happened. We have a safety net here at CDH where we can choose how much of ourselves (true or otherwise) to reveal to others. Is this the real world or is it Facebook? Yeah, I know, a huge debate that could go either way. Which one tells more truth? More lies? Which one gives us an accurate picture of the “Real World or Real me?”
Has my ship sailed as I become an older crossdresser who has transgender feelings but no idea of what it all means? I worry that my ship to pursue other options might be leaving port without me. My right leg has sciatica in it, (makes walking in those beautiful and dangerous stilettos more difficult and comical) and my body doesn’t want to give me any hope or help in staying fit and healthy. I can honestly say that some days I think about packing it in (not me; all the tapestries that are Brina.) That’s easily overcome and more of a mere prick at my insides as I buy the dress or wig that has caught my eye. No, Brina isn’t ever going into hiding again. Still, I feel like I’m running for the dock and trying to catch my ship before it sails away. And what if I miss it?
Isn’t that the imperative question we ask ourselves, not just in my case wondering if there is a future where I leave my maleness behind for good, but in the way we all watch time race by. Summers pass so quickly now, and birthdays stack up that I sometimes recite the wrong age. That is exactly the wrong perception to have. Believe that time is lost and thus it shall be. Now that I’m 60, I see death as a shadow that stands at a corner watching me consider whether I can generate enough burst of speed to safely cross the busy street without being plowed into by a charging truck. I do, as long as my knee doesn’t give out.
Maybe, I’m just trying to catch the wrong boat. I’m not really interested in the Party Cruise ship, or the fancy yacht, not even a speed boat. My style is more of a canoe down a leisurely river or across a calm lake while taking in the scenery along the way. It doesn’t matter how fast I get there or in the fanciest way, but instead in the peace (much needed) that the journey can offer. That feeling has no time limits placed on it. I won’t lie and say that I don’t wish that what I know now wouldn’t have been great to know 40 years ago. That was a different time, and I’m not sure I would have listened anyway. If I don’t take the time to enjoy the journey what’s the point in going?
This lifestyle is a burden and it’s also a blessing. In my younger days, I saw only the burdens—that’s where I wish I had today’s understanding of things. I still carry the burden, but I recognize and embrace the blessings. I like the kinder me, the more forgiving me, the more understanding and accepting me. None of which would have been there had it not been for the burdens. In a world that preaches diversity but propagates difference and superiority through all avenues, we find ourselves one of the larger targets. The world fears our voices and our visibility. We have allies and enemies, sometimes in the same person as heart and mind are conflicted and societal norms are hard to escape. CDH and TGH are one example of where real change is taking place.
There is a worldwide culture war taking place. Ageless indoctrination is being challenged and if successful, the world will face the biggest upheaval imaginable. A true sense of inclusion means ditching all the labels for the sake of one: human. At the moment, neither side really wants that. Depressed groups have a louder voice when they can claim injustice and demand that others see and acknowledge, as well as accept their label. Those in charge don’t want to undo the existing hierarchy for the betterment of all when they will lose some of their power.
My life matters, my opinions, my pursuit of becoming me (to what end that might be), my role on this site, my words, my treatment of others, my openness to change, and understanding that which I don’t know, matters. I only have to open my eyes and see that there isn’t one ship docked and waiting for me, but an infinite number just offshore waiting to take its place. I hold a ticket that will allow me to board whichever one I choose. Until I do, I will be sure to enjoy the hustle and bustle on the pier, watching the gulls flying in the air, smelling the salt water, feeling the spray of the water, and hearing the sounds of life all around me. Oh, and I will make sure to only cross with the walk sign at the crosswalk and keep my attention on that truck in case it runs the red light.
Until next time….
Brina
Very good read, I myself feel very similar in many ways. I don’t think that at this point I could ever bring Sherri into the general public, not that I wouldn’t mind changing my high school year book picture since no one from that time even knows who I am anyway, they didn’t know then and they don’t now. But since making friends and building strong relationships over the last 40 years I’m not sure if I would want to subject my friends with Sherri. Not because I’m ashamed but because I don’t think it would be fair to burden… Read more »
Sherri,
Great comments and sentiment in your response! Thank you for sharing them 🙂
Burden them???? (with a “Change? Using that Logic–one should never get married-
Lovely article and a great perspective on life and society.
Thank you, Rei 🙂
I see you’re a beautiful girl inside and out. No one can tell you what ship to board but you will know it when it arrives. I’m older than you and can vouch for the drive that age lays on us to stop putting things off and be ourselves now instead of later. As we begin to notice the shortening of the candle a bit of anxiety begins creeping into our minds with thoughts and hopes of crossing off the most important items on our bucket list. Life makes us think hard about where we are at this stage and… Read more »
Michelle,
Thank you for the response and for sharing your experience. I agree on the anxiety levels. I don’t have a spouse to worry about…pardon my pun…that ship sailed long ago because of this very issue. I still tend to weigh my happiness against the discord of others. I believe there comes a time when the scales become so laden to one side that we have no choice but to seek personal happiness over the other. I’m glad to see that it balanced out for you in your relationship 🙂
Sabrina,
Great article!. I find as one gets older, except for grandkids, life can get repetitive and at times dull. But crossdressing replaces those dull times with expanded experiences of seeing and enjoying life through the female perspective. I may still be a bit in the closet, but in my home, I’m the lady of the house and enjoying every minute!
BTW your photo and the blond hair are lovely sister.
Hugs & Kisses,
Marian
My life has been busier the past few years, even considering the 6 grandkids, than before. I spend much time volunteering for a local service club. I agree on the expanded experiences, though I tend to feel as if at times it’s the male side of me that is the crossdresser. I’m still in the closet, but I will admit that my leg and arm are outside and pulling me out. Thank you for the compliment on my wig. I have a rotation of over 15 wigs that I wear, all colors and styles, none short or curly. I’m partial… Read more »
thank you for posting – very well stated – and something we all should think about – you have great smile and beautiful look – keep being who you are !!! wish you a Happy Fourth !!! – Stacey
Thank you for the comment, Stacey.
You as well 🙂
As always Brina, I love to read your well prepared articles… I can see where you love to write .. it is a gift and so glad you share your talent with us.
I am an older (70+) crossdresser. When dressed I feel so much younger.. (looking younger remains to be determined lol)
I love your new profile photo… you look so much younger and beautiful..
Best regards, Leonara
Thank you Leonara! I think (this is just me spouting my observations) that CDs have the ability to look younger when dressed than the average woman, and much younger than we appear in drab. I don’t know if it’s our old man butt and legs plus our less pudgy faces or something else. I keep thinking that I should color my hair (I still have it all but totally grey) and see if that makes me look equally young male…
Brina,
I am totally grey too… I guess my short blond wig makes me look younger ?!!!!
Nice article Brina. Your ship hasn’t sailed; it has just changed course and you are the (female) Captain of that ship. I too feel your frustration with not being able to share our true feminine selves with the world completely.
Thank you, Hope. I do so like the girl’s version of a sailor’s uniform 😉
Thanks for sharing this insightful article, Brina. I turn 62 this year and can totally relate to that shadow crouching in the corner. Best to ignore it and bask in the sunshine as long as possible. Keep smiling and writing these great pieces, GF.
Yes, so true. But as a writer, I’m afraid that I see more than shadows in the corner. Most people wouldn’t like spending too much time in my head…lol. Thanks for the compliments 🙂
Absolutely enjoyed reading this! As your slightly older sister, I could relate to much of what you wrote. It seems as time flies by I ask myself more often than not; “Am I living a lie?" If I am, what are my options, really. I cannot risk my career, especially this late in life, to show up to the office in a skirt, blouse, perched on stilettos and say “Here I am…accept me!" Much like the high school class situation, many would be shocked and I’m sure the company would find a way to show me the exit. It’s a… Read more »
Gina,
Thank you for sharing your insights, and I hope to someday make it to one of the conventions. I agree with all that you said. Let me know if your GF has a sister that feels the same way…lol. Have a great time at the convention 🙂
yup—I have so many dreams -but life gets in the way-
It’s why we work so hard to steal little moments to help keep us sane. That is the one thing I might write in a letter to my younger self. Toss away the guilt and the shame and find enjoyment in those moments because they are more important than you might ever realize.
Thanks for commenting 🙂