They say with age comes wisdom. It also brings a confluence of memories and wishes. For those of us who see the world as being more than male and female it typically brings more heartache and unanswered questions. I know that I’m part of the new 40 having just turned 60, but as I look at my friends and classmates from high school on Facebook, I see less wisdom and more age. That’s not meant as a knock on them. You know, “Once a… still a…”
What would they all say if I suddenly replaced my male cover photo with one of Brina’s? I can imagine, as I’m sure most of you can also, and to those of you who have actually done it, I’d love to hear what happened. We have a safety net here at CDH where we can choose how much of ourselves (true or otherwise) to reveal to others. Is this the real world or is it Facebook? Yeah, I know, a huge debate that could go either way. Which one tells more truth? More lies? Which one gives us an accurate picture of the “Real World or Real me?”
Has my ship sailed as I become an older crossdresser who has transgender feelings but no idea of what it all means? I worry that my ship to pursue other options might be leaving port without me. My right leg has sciatica in it, (makes walking in those beautiful and dangerous stilettos more difficult and comical) and my body doesn’t want to give me any hope or help in staying fit and healthy. I can honestly say that some days I think about packing it in (not me; all the tapestries that are Brina.) That’s easily overcome and more of a mere prick at my insides as I buy the dress or wig that has caught my eye. No, Brina isn’t ever going into hiding again. Still, I feel like I’m running for the dock and trying to catch my ship before it sails away. And what if I miss it?
Isn’t that the imperative question we ask ourselves, not just in my case wondering if there is a future where I leave my maleness behind for good, but in the way we all watch time race by. Summers pass so quickly now, and birthdays stack up that I sometimes recite the wrong age. That is exactly the wrong perception to have. Believe that time is lost and thus it shall be. Now that I’m 60, I see death as a shadow that stands at a corner watching me consider whether I can generate enough burst of speed to safely cross the busy street without being plowed into by a charging truck. I do, as long as my knee doesn’t give out.
Maybe, I’m just trying to catch the wrong boat. I’m not really interested in the Party Cruise ship, or the fancy yacht, not even a speed boat. My style is more of a canoe down a leisurely river or across a calm lake while taking in the scenery along the way. It doesn’t matter how fast I get there or in the fanciest way, but instead in the peace (much needed) that the journey can offer. That feeling has no time limits placed on it. I won’t lie and say that I don’t wish that what I know now wouldn’t have been great to know 40 years ago. That was a different time, and I’m not sure I would have listened anyway. If I don’t take the time to enjoy the journey what’s the point in going?
This lifestyle is a burden and it’s also a blessing. In my younger days, I saw only the burdens—that’s where I wish I had today’s understanding of things. I still carry the burden, but I recognize and embrace the blessings. I like the kinder me, the more forgiving me, the more understanding and accepting me. None of which would have been there had it not been for the burdens. In a world that preaches diversity but propagates difference and superiority through all avenues, we find ourselves one of the larger targets. The world fears our voices and our visibility. We have allies and enemies, sometimes in the same person as heart and mind are conflicted and societal norms are hard to escape. CDH and TGH are one example of where real change is taking place.
There is a worldwide culture war taking place. Ageless indoctrination is being challenged and if successful, the world will face the biggest upheaval imaginable. A true sense of inclusion means ditching all the labels for the sake of one: human. At the moment, neither side really wants that. Depressed groups have a louder voice when they can claim injustice and demand that others see and acknowledge, as well as accept their label. Those in charge don’t want to undo the existing hierarchy for the betterment of all when they will lose some of their power.
My life matters, my opinions, my pursuit of becoming me (to what end that might be), my role on this site, my words, my treatment of others, my openness to change, and understanding that which I don’t know, matters. I only have to open my eyes and see that there isn’t one ship docked and waiting for me, but an infinite number just offshore waiting to take its place. I hold a ticket that will allow me to board whichever one I choose. Until I do, I will be sure to enjoy the hustle and bustle on the pier, watching the gulls flying in the air, smelling the salt water, feeling the spray of the water, and hearing the sounds of life all around me. Oh, and I will make sure to only cross with the walk sign at the crosswalk and keep my attention on that truck in case it runs the red light.
Until next time….
Brina
Oh Brina! Thank you for such a beautifully perfect article. I was so into it, I hated for it to end. Hopefully we can chat soon.
Thank you, Mikki 🙂
Hi Brina, These are important ideas you bring up in this post. I’ve been working on these questions all my life and have found a few answers I’ll try to share. First off instead of a ship taking off without me, I saw a wall in frond of me that I spent many years trying to get through or over and only managed to hurt myself in the process. Finally I became aware that there is nothing on the other side of that wall that I need to get to. That awareness stopped a lot of the pain. Also at… Read more »
Great analogies 🙂 I love how they help with the visualization of points. Thank you for sharing and commenting!
Girlfriend, I must admit, you definitely have an astute command of the English language! And I can relate to every sentence of every paragraph written in this article because you and I are so close in age and are both facing the same issues which lie ahead for you and for me. You’re right about us CD girls having a target on us. When you look at the letters LGBTQ and maybe even a few more which have been added to that lineup, there’s not a “CD" in the bunch! As a result, so many in that diverse community see… Read more »
I will simply say, “Thanks, Scarlett!" That ought to cover most of it 🙂
You’re welcome girlfriend and I loved the photo of you above the article! You sure look pretty in that picture! We old gals still have it going on!
XOXOX Scarlett
Dear Brina I’ve just received Vanessa’s latest email and immediately my attention was drawn to the article “That ship has sailed” , there are two reasons that particular title grabbed my attention, 1. It resonates so deeply with my own feelings and 2. The article was written you you. As I read down through the article pretty much everything you say is so close to my own thoughts and feelings of where I am at the moment. As with all your other articles this one is so well crafted and thank you SO much for sharing your thoughts and feelings… Read more »
Thank you kindly for the praise and compliments. It sometimes feels as if we have to have a specific target or deadline in place or else… In this case, there is no “or else." The goal is to live life as best we can with what we have in front of us today and to realize that might change tomorrow and be ready if it does. It may be simplistic, but that’s what my older age wisdom tells me.
Thanks for commenting 🙂
Thank you so very much for opening up and writing this Brina! I’m in the same boat, metaphorically speaking, though not quite as old (I’m running and doing yoga to keep the back pain at bay). I’ve been wondering a lot about Heather, what she means to me, and if we missed the ship as well. Your words offer me comfort because there are others thinking the same things, as much as your positive outlook offers me hope for the future.
Heather, I religiously did a combined form of yoga and stretching until this past fall when I returned from a canoe trip with a bum knee. I still can’t squat on it, and stretching it only made it worse. Finally, a month ago on the golf course, it poped and is much better, but still not enough to restart. I will this fall. Not a runner since HS…I walk fast… There are so many of us that have more alike sentiments than not. We only have to use the magic of the internet to see that our numbers are staggering,… Read more »
A wonderful article that really hit home for me. As an aging CD, some parts get easier for me but new challenges arise. It is nice to have someone share their strength and understanding.
Thank you for sharing. My beard color is now more white and makes my face more conforming as is the hair on my legs, but dang that ear hair and droopy eyes…
Brina, this is my first response to anyone’s writings! Your’s absolutely fits my stage in life. Coming up on 65, and some days I feel as though I have wasted all those years. Of all the regrets I have, the fact that I have denied myself, to conform to other’s standards is the worst! I have been aware of my femininity since the ripe old age of three!! Now I am petrified to openly express myself to the outside world. Occasionally I will say “to hell with them" and go out “en femme". Have met a multitude of great people… Read more »
Trina, Thank you first for responding. Until I came upon this site, I was too timid to post either, now I manage the article section. So many fears (many self-imposed) that have stopped me from being who I am, whatever that is, and having more peace in my life. I still have reasons that prevent me from boarding any particular ship, but at least I recognize that I hold a ticket. My way of saying that I accept, even more so, am glad that I am this person that is made of both male and female. My biggest fear used… Read more »
Hi Brina,
It is often said “if I was 20 y.o. again, I would transition!" Even I say it. And I read about someone who had bottom surgery at 72 years old! I don’t want to party, I just want to go about my day being ME. Society should support that, but it seems like they don’t.
Than you for your article!
Eva
So well put! Currently, in my mind, my happy place would be to move and then spend my life living as twins (wouldn’t that be fun…) That way I could find my conclusion, whatever that might be.
thankyou what a beautifully written piece i really enjoyed the read and your thoughts hugs layla x
Thank you for reading, the compliments, and commenting 🙂
Sabrina, you are a knockout. Aging can feel like everything falling apart. Just observe similar age real ladies and how they manage. You will do fine.
Aww, thank you for the kind compliment 🙂