The older I get, the less I believe I’m still starting anything. There may be that rare moment when I partake on something completely new and different, but this journey that I’ve been on for nearly 50 years isn’t one of them. Every little goal that I achieve, I find myself saying, “Well, it’s a start.” The me, full of lifelong lessons and maturity responds, “Or is it?”
I think this is so because I don’t know what the ending is. I can look back over my life and point out the wayward signs that led me to this place; the multiple starts at becoming… what exactly. This is my unanswered question. Just what am I trying to become. The possibilities vary with the changing of the seasons. One day, I’m ready to jump all in, the next day I want to pull back. I can only see the haphazardly walked path forward by looking back at where I began and where I am today. Like a chart tracking years of returns on an investment, my journey has been up and down, but it seems to always and to eventually keep climbing higher.
Nearly a year ago, I began helping others put their thoughts into words, helping them to share their stories as I agreed to become the resident editor on both sites. I’ve seen similarities between all of us, been amazed, heartbroken, angry, and joyful in my empathy with those who share their lives with the rest of us. We all need to see it; I need to see it. I am far from alone, and my path is my path, no matter how long it takes or whether or not I can point to a definitive end.
I’m pushing 60, and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. Does it matter; did it ever? I have the tendency to be introverted and filled by anxieties. My mind never shuts down—it’s why I write novels. It’s also why I over-think every detail that I see. My vision and comprehension of a particular scene is fairly vast. I notice the obvious and the not so obvious. I’ve also had to adjust my life around my diminished hearing–a result of several years working in a pressroom at a newspaper. I can become easily frustrated by other’s lack of awareness at the world around them. This isn’t a reflection on them, but on me. I see the shadows lurking and wonder what’s hiding. Most, contently walk by in happy oblivion and enjoy the sun.
This has been hard to overcome and no amount of yoga and meditation makes it easier for me. The daily stress in my shoulders causes them to sit well above the top of my head…figuratively speaking. When you add in my uncertainty about who (what) I am, there are times that my mind simply has to retreat; I’m compelled to take a nap…to reboot my system. When I’ve gotten to that point, no amount of coffee could keep me awake.
I was once a typical, cocky male with an ego, who had a fetish for high heels and lingerie. Now, I’m more feminine than male (inside); I’m kinder, more afraid, questionably uncertain, still hopeful, persistently doubtful, highly empathetic, magically wishful, and… still searching for an ending. I’ve come to the decision—though I’ve said this before, written it down on my checklist and never completed it, that it’s time to meet with a professional and potentially take the next step. I have to. My anxiety is winning out over contentment with my life–not that I have much in that regard.Â
I spend too much time analyzing reasons for the thoughts and desires that I have. In the past, it was always to find some method to eradicate them. Somewhere along the way, the inward looking became more of a search for understanding and acceptance, and recently an acknowledgement that I’m neither male nor female, and I don’t know which one I want to be. I’m not sure if I would find the elusive contentment by undergoing physical and chemical alterations—would they just shift my perspectives—and anxieties? There are some stronger feelings that indicate a need to step over some lines and at least blur the two sides in shared compromise. It also means a day of reckoning with friends and family is on the horizon. My shoulders will never relax until that happens; that moment when all the fears are faced and all that’s left for me to do is to move forward. I know I can handle it…
I’m ready for a nap…
Ohh Brina, how well expressed are your thoughts that we all share. Sometimes my mind feels like a washing machine of thoughts, jumbled and tossing about with little clarity or purpose. Acceptance is so very important yet alas, we do not have that from most, probably almost all, people. If we ladies were accepted everywhere by everyone, then the torment we endure would cease. I find solace in finding happiness and joy in the small things around us, giving thanks for the beauty of nature, it’s sights, sounds, smells and so much more. A fresh wind in winter blowing in… Read more »
Gianna, Very poetically expressed. I agree that we all share some similar misgivings and the jumble of feelings that this life brings. We all need to find the “little" things that help us to cope and walk another step forward rather than retreating and suffering the regrets. I agree that each day moves me closer to being “more whole" within myself. Another person made a comment about looking in the mirror and how it finally dawned on them when they say an artistic drawing. The man looking in the mirror saw the woman inside reflected back. I’m that way. The… Read more »
Thank you so much for your honest, heart felt, article. You’ve expressed yourself in a way that is so very familiar to me and my journey to become Emily. Keep writing and keep sharing!
were here for you brina, whatever happens.
Ah Brina-no wonder you are such a great editor! You’re writing is so articulate and evocative. I can see myself in so much of what you wrote here. Cyn shows through more and more all the time. I matter what mode I’m in -stealth Cyn for work and a third of the time outside of work-or full Cyn mode the rest of the time. I like Gianna’s analogy of the washing machine below. The make and female parts of my soul are blending together in the water til the pink shirt slowly turns the white shirt from blinding white to… Read more »
Thank you for the kind compliments, Cyn. I try… I love the pink blouse analogy 🙂
I understand you over analyzing the thoughts and reasons we enjoy this…
Love your articles Brinna, i am 20 years your Senior, so you can imagine the lumps and bumps that i have endured the past 70 years. i think that i can probably relate in some part to every story and article ever written on CD Heaven and maybe Trans heaven. I’ll not try to tell it all here now, because i don,t have the time or space, but try to briefly start ten years ago, I retired from a Mid Management Position ten years ago. lived alone( wife of 40 years finally left after all the kids left home for… Read more »
Peggy Ann…no response needed from me, just a sincere thank you for sharing! I hope others take the time to read your comment.
Sabrina Please don’t let that space we have between our ears confuse our hearts. Let the mentality go and live from that foundational self that is you. We are all a blend of male and female. Some more one sided than the other, but we still are a duality. Each morning is a gift of God and his new beginning to our life. Yesterday is dead and gone. The rising sun shines on renewed eyes. Each new day is a gift of opportunity to renew our lives. It is all about our choices. Do we make choices of the ego… Read more »
Jennifer.
Beautifully said, and a message that all of us should remember. Our choices speak loud and clear, I agree. Sometimes our choices are driven by mind and circumstances and sometimes they help us hide from just being. It’s the willingness to take that elusive step to just BE that creates (for me) the inner anxieties. I know it, I know what to do about it, and I know that only I have the power to do or not.
I hope others read and comment on your post. (Better yet, I’d love to see an article from you…)
Thank you Sabrina
Your words are so very kind.
Jennifer
Thank you so much for your thoughtful post. I can relate in so many ways…over 60 mostly closeted, hard of hearing from print industry… monkeys in the brain … trying to accept and start out even more authentically than I have ever been. My daily meditation does have the desired effect for its part, but we have complicated selves to deal with on a daily basis as TG /Cd peeps, not to mention our daily man life issues. As we age, it seems that we may take these lifelong complexities more to heart and it may become a burning coal… Read more »
My smile is in place… My tag line is “I wish that I could bottle the calm feeling that comes with being Brina and spray it on when I need to fight the stress of when I’m not…"
Thank you for your response and understanding…my best to you 🙂
Thanks Brina for always bringing a bit of clarity to the Pink Fog. As a sister Iowan, I often contemplate me future with trepidation that comes from life with a non supporting spouse. I often look at yesterdays with, what am I doing. I don’t understand why I have a duality that has such strong masculine and feminine influences, often co mingled. I can be very happy in both roles and have no desires for permanent change. One thing I have learned and accepted about myself, I’m ok, I like me. Being 68, being who I am confidently has become… Read more »
Michelle, I think self-confidence is the one factor that I’ve noticed getting stronger over the past 5 years. It took that second failed relationship (not due to crossdressing as I made it the entire 7 years without dressing) to find a more balanced me–with some confidence that this is ok. I’ve had multiple opportunities to jump into other relationships, but I’m not ready until I know what I’m capable of offering. There will be no choice of whether Brina stays or goes. She’s here in some capacity for good. It’s my decision on where she lands. I now believe that… Read more »
Thank you Brina for that amazing post. I feel so much of what you wrote about. I really like how you mention needing to mentally retreat. I actually find thrift shopping as an outlet because it doesn’t let me think about my situation and forces me to look at things and interact with people. Listening to music is another avenue. The career, family, community aspects of my life aren’t as topsy-turvy, complicated, confusing as the CD aspect of me. I wonder how much energy and motivation get drained from me when I struggle with where I want life to go… Read more »
Thanks for the comments. When I write, I try to do so in a way that will connect with others (we’re similar and different in our journeys) and give a little hope, a little “AW HA," that’s why, and a chuckle or two. The older I get, the less I want to fight such an important part of me. My regrets are not listening to that side of me more when I was younger–it’s some of the best of me. I hope others (younger especially) find a nugget or two that can help them in their own struggles. I like… Read more »