I’ve written several articles for this site; most are my own musings about who I am and where I fit in. I write to find myself, and I write to help others think through their own situations and feelings. As an introvert by nature, I sit back and take it all in, process it, try to make sense out of it, and then with what reasoning and commonsense that I have, I try to put it into relevant context. I’m not a professional by any means, but I have been around the block and I am very empathetic by nature. So take me for what I am, and my words for reflection.
As a young boy, I saw my first pair of pink satin panties on a girl in church. I was captivated because I could see them, and by the fact that I wanted them. The thought was there and then it was gone, because I was a boy and I wore tighty whities. However, the older I became, the more the obsession grew and morphed. From high heels and nylons, to lingerie and corsets, to tight dresses and long red nails and lips, and finally to where I am today…the whole package of femininity. It’s progressed from a fetish (which was more of a symptom of what I am) to an understanding that I am a complex person of blended genders. I still don’t know completely who I am or who I’ll eventually become and die as, and truthfully, I care less about it every day as I just try to live kindly as me.Â
I had a first this past week. I wore my pretty pink panties to church. It isn’t the first time I’ve worn them there, but it was the first time that I didn’t stress over wearing them—a huge difference. I’ve pretty much given up my male underwear this year, started wearing mostly women’s jeans and shorts, done as many little feminizing things as I can and still appear mostly male. I keep my face and body clean shaven, (arms and legs during cold months), my face and body moisturized, wear neutral cologne, use female shower and body products, tweeze my eyebrows (nose, lips, ears…ugh…), and keep my nails longer and more feminine. For now, it’s enough. It won’t be in the future as each day moves me further along the path I walk. I’ve come so far from the need to wear a pair of heels for gratification to finding the inner calmness that comes from expressing the female in me that is important to my sanity and happiness.
I know what the bible says about crossdressers, but it also speaks to forgiveness and acceptance. I find it hard to believe that when I stand at the pearly gates I will be judged by the clothes I wore and not by the deeds I’ve done. I’ll leave it at that. For the better part of my life, I’ve felt unworthy. The stigma of what I was, what I’ve done because of this need in me, and to what I’m becoming, has caused depression, anxiety, remorse, frustration, shame, guilt, doubt, denial, obsession, longing, and every other negative feeling imaginable. Sunday, in church, I didn’t have those feelings; I felt normal. I didn’t even think about them. Maybe in a church far away, someday, I’ll wear my Sunday dress and raise my hands to the heavens as I sing Alleluia.
I read everyone’s articles on Crossdresser Heaven, and most of the comments left by others, and I have my own way of playing my part in this community. I try my best to friend the new girls as they post a picture—my way of saying hello and reaching out and giving back. I’m not into chat—that introvert in me. I like to process before replying, so it’s email and PM for me. We are under one huge umbrella called crossdressers—a term that I think is unfriendly and becoming obsolete. When you do your profile, there are so many choices. For me, it could change daily. As with everything else, there are the end points and the middle on our spectrum and on the much larger line of male vs. female. I believe we are at the center of that larger line and our middle is expanding outward. Whether this is because of genetics, or intake of animal hormones through milk or whatever, it doesn’t matter. We are growing in numbers and one day the world will adapt and become a more tolerant place…or it won’t. If it does, it will be because we have stepped out of the closet and lifted our hands in the air as we sing along with those who see us as the people we are and not by the clothes we wear. Â
When you get the chance…live kindly.
Brina MacTavish
Absolutely love this article! Thank you for sharing your stories Sabrina, you really seem to capture the right tone in your writings!
“Live Kindly" is a wonderful mantra to have, I am going to write that next to “You are enough" on my mirror to read every morning.
Sami
Thank you, Sami! No matter how hard I try, I fail on a daily basis to “live Kindly," I let the irritations in, the doubts in, and the stress in, but I have something I lacked for so long… purpose. I want to be kinder, most importantly, to myself, because only then can I be that for others. In that regard, I have succeeded. Of all the mantras I have repeated throughout my life, this one helps me to set aside the frustrations and enjoy my life more than I ever have. I can see the difference in myself and… Read more »
It is a very well written article, Brina. Very revealing. I dislike labels too. We still hope that tolerance will prevail. Still it is a long way to go. We deserve love and respect. Thank you.
Gisela
Thankyou for such an uplifting article,
Your article gives encouragement and your words somehow put into perspective my feelings. How I want to be in my life. I have a feminine side which I so much want to express and I’m not at all perfect in outwardly expressing how this feels but continue taking small steps towards being happy. Thanks Sabrina. xx
Thanks, Leslie. It’s always my hope when I write that it comforts, inspires, and doesn’t offend others. I learn from all those who have come before me and are much further along than I am. Sometimes it feels like there is a race to run, but in reality, there isn’t. We are similar and different in our needs and objectives. I write to learn more about me as well as hopefully helping someone else tackle an issue that is bothering them. What I wouldn’t have given for this type of site back in the 80’s and 90’s when I first… Read more »
Such beautiful article, thank you I can so relate to your story.
This is an amazing article and why I love this site! It has helped me so much to become the woman I always wanted to be and this article was exactly how I started when I was 13, with pink panties! I have evolved into fully dressing as a woman at 48 now, but always love wearing pink satin panties like I first did at 13, and knew it was part of me and I can’t live without expressing the femininity within my male body and mind. My best friends mother was a gorgeous blonde, blue eyed 42 year old… Read more »
Patricia,
None of my friends had that type of mother when I was growing up…must of had the wrong friends. It would have been great to have someone be a partner in my early stages, how different my life may have turned out. Hindsight is great for seeing the errors and poor decisions, it’s also good for connecting the dots that we missed along the way. I wish I had today’s access to internet and sites like this back then. It would have helped me tremendously.
Thanks for commenting and the compliment!
Brina
Thanks for sharing Brina, all of Your articles are so refresshing and represent what 99%
of us have experienced in our trip Along the path to Happy Dressing. I can’t help but laugh
at how many of us were pushed and or nughed on our way by finding that pair of panties on the bathroom floor. I rarely wear so called male underware anymore(DR.Visits, etc.)
and i would estimate that 70% of my Numerous pairs of panties are PINK (LOL)
I do love pretty pink panties, Most of mine are one shade or the other in pink. As I always underdress with panties I do wear them to Church. I am so accustom to them I don’t even think about it. In respect for the others I would not go farther than that. To me Church is my once a week piece of solitude that resets me for the following week.
Hello Sabrina, Yes, I liked your article as well. Although I am not a church follower & do not attend church, I respect your beliefs. They were my cousins pink knickers that I first wore, & as you say have loved pink knickers ever since. I to wear them under my male clothes all the time [ I wear other colours as well ], & when I go out as well. So be happy & wear what you like, when you want, in private or out and about.
love, Helenmarie
Dearest Brina
Thank you for sharing your feelings. We never have enough Pink panties. I believe that the Lord does not care what we wear to church or any other place. He is the One who made us. And yes I wear panties 99% of the time and I have woren a bra a few times with nothing in it, oh well.
Love,
Vicke