I married a cross dresser

When you marry the man you love, you hope for a life of bliss – your own ‘happiness ever after’, but even the most optimistic of us will expect some challenges along this wonderful journey called marriage. You probably didn’t expect him to utter these fateful words, ‘Honey, I’m a Cross Dresser’.

A few weeks ago I wrote an article about what to do if your boyfriend is a cross dresser.

Today I’ll address some of the most common questions from wives who find out that their husband is a cross dresser. I highly recommend that you buy a copy of the book My Husband Wears My Clothes. It was written a few years ago by Peggy Rudd, a PhD and wife of a cross dresser. She provides loving insight into the how and why of cross dressing.

My husband is a cross dresser

So what do you do when you find out for the first time? The most important thing to realize is that it is okay to feel shocked, uncertain and confused. It’s not every day that you meet a cross dresser, much less find out that your husband is one!

The next thing to realize, is that he is telling you this because he loves and trusts you deeply. He is probably just as scared as you are right now. You both need to be careful not to say anything that would hurt the other person.You’re both in a sensitive position. While you should respect that he it is difficult for him to share with you, you should also expect him to go as fast or as slow as you can handle.

The first thing to do is reassure him that you love him. This will be tough to do. You’re shocked and not in full control of your emotions, but even though you just discovered your husband is a cross dresser you need to show love.

So now you may be wondering:
He’s a cross dresser, is he gay? Probably not, most cross dressers are heterosexual

Why didn’t he tell me about his crossdressing sooner? This one is tricky, ideally he would have shared with you before you were married. Most likely he thought he could control it, he thought that being married would quell the urge to cross dress. That hardly ever (never) happens, and he probably put it off for so long because he was afraid of how you would react. Ironically, he has hid this secret from you for so long because he loves you so much!

Why does he cross dress? Phew, an even tougher but great question. I explored this in some detail in my article ‘why do men cross dress‘. The short answer is that no one knows for sure and many men have different reasons for why they cross dress, but most describe it as a need, an urge that won’t go away.

How can I make him stop cross dressing? You’re asking all the right questions love, but you probably won’t like the answer to this one. You can’t stop him from cross dressing. Sure, you’ll fight and he’ll promise not to cross dress, but a few months later you’ll find a pair of size 12 pink pumps in the wardrobe…

Does he want a sex change? Probably not. There are fewer transsexuals than cross dressers, so it is less likely that your husband has a desire to change his sex. Most cross dressers are happily married and only enjoy dressing part time.

So now what do I do? As I mentioned above, reassure him that you love him. Spend a lot of time in deep, open conversation with him about his desire to cross dress. Learn as much as you can about it (I know I sound like a used car salesman, but trust me buy this book!). Learn to compromise – let this grow you closer together rather than split you apart. Work with your husband to set limits that you are comfortable with as well. If you don’t want him to dress when your friends are around; let him know.

Tri-Ess has some great information and a Crossdressers wives bill of rights which makes for a great starting point as you and your husband come to a fair compromise about his cross dressing. There are many other good resources on the Internet. Also, take some time to explore Cross Dresser Heaven, I’ve gathered a number of resources that may be valuable for you.

Good luck, and please contact me if you need any support or advice!

Hugs,

Vanessa

P.S. Thanks to my lovely wife for reviewing this article before I posted it. As much as we listen, we need to be open to the precious woman in our lives – they are often trying to tell us more.

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About the Author

A woman living in Seattle, enjoying the freedom to be who she is every moment of her life!

196 Enlightened Replies

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  4. Janedon says:

    Just How is crossdressing “Harmful” to children?

  5. Dipankar says:

    I’m from India. I’m very young. 18 years and I find crossdressing very exciting and erotic.

  6. Vanessa Law says:

    Hi Dipankar,
    Thanks for stopping by – it’s great to have you on Crossdresser Heaven. What’s it like in India? Is crossdressing taboo, or more accepted? I’ve read a few articles about the transgendered in India, but haven’t spoken with many crossdressers from India.

  7. me says:

    wow – most of you here are so accepting. 10 years into this for me and OH and I think he has thrown out the stuff he bought 3 times…just buys more I guess. I think he now hides it in a house he lives in away from home in the week.

    I hate it…hate it I thought it was funny 10 years ago before I had kids that he told me he liked to wear my pants to get akick out of…then it was eyeshadow, then it was wigs , shoes, stockings etc etc

    When I was pregnant I said no more it makes me sick and here we are 6 years later and lie after lie I am finding its still going on.

    I think it is a self indulgent sexual fetish and I think he should respect me and our children before putting his sexual needs first. Whats wrong with that?

  8. Vanessa Law says:

    Hi me,

    I can understand your frustrations, and how it seems like he puts his needs ahead of those of your family. If I were to guess, his crossdressing is tearing him apart too. Many crossdressers feel guilt and shame, and then throw out what they’ve bought. This is often called a ‘purge’, with the desire to cleanse themselves of this impurity.

    Unfortunately, almost everyone I’ve spoken to has the need to crossdress return within a short while. Many who continue to deny it live with depression, or may even commit suicide. Society tends to view crossdressing as you do, as a ‘self indulgent sexual fetish’. For many men, it is not just a sexual fetish, but a deep need to express the feminine side of themselves.

    I know this is not easy for you, and makes your relationship more challenging. The best advice I can give is to communicate often. Share your feelings with him in a loving and caring way. Ask him to do the same. Open, honest heart to heart sharing is the only way I know of that couples can come through stronger.

    Best of luck dear!
    Vanessa

  9. fed up says:

    I think it is a self indulgent sexual fetish and I think he should respect me and our children before putting his sexual needs first. Whats wrong with that?
    how right you are, they can dress it up and make it sound like they are in touch with their femme side, but it get more hurtful as we have children, mu husband has no regards for me or the children when he is in his selfish mode, why should i accept this in our lives, all this respect and loving and understanding is bull. they married us and expect us to understand this, when in reality they want everything their way, and then it turns out to be somehow our fault because we dont understand, sorry for sounding bitter, but after years of marriage and compromise its just too much to take. xx i wish you luck, and tbh they never stop they just become good liars

  10. Lori says:

    I agree with you! I did that with my family and now I regret it. I am so sorry I wasn’t the best parent. I should have never told them about me.

  11. cuckholddon says:

    ME–Why is something so harmless so bothersome to you?
    Kids are very accepting of people who are “Differant” unless taught not to be(usally by excample(Watching) adults around them!
    Reading the Hatred you have-I’m thinking you have other issues with your hubby& are just using his Crossdressing as an excuse!

  12. Queline says:

    I sort of think my fiance might be into cross dressing. He has always dressed very well, and sometimes seems to enjoys dressing me more than himself. I just figured it was just him being him.

    The he dressed up as a girl on a bet, and he seemed to enjoy very well. Unfortunately, I think my opinion might be biased, b/c when he was dressed up, it turned me on to no end! I was so embarrassed that I didn’t know whether or not to let him know my thoughts

    But he has been hinting lately that he wouldn’t mind doing it again, and he always lets me do fun things to his hair and such so maybe if I asked extra nice he’d do it again.

  13. melissa says:

    is it possible that you guys aren’t attracted to being a women, perhaps you just want to be beautiful. You want your hair to be long cause you like long hair. You like makeup because it improves your face. You like silk and panty hoses and soft fabics ,because they are seductive and draw you in. C.S. Lewis said we don’t want to simply see beauty but go throught it. Perhaps you want to be as desired as you desire. You want her to feel about you the way you feel about . Male birds are more glorious than their female counter parts. wear vibrant colors and soft rich fabrics and wear gold too! but love being a man because its a gift to be one. and don’t worry about playing dress up, get your own clothes. men are awesome. Don’t worry about being strong because God made you a man to show you and the world how strong you really are. Remember God is God and he choses his bride and he is the lion,he is the king over his pride. We just want attention because we all have beautiful rainbows in our minds. The rainbow is God gift to everone, not just gays. The cross is for anyone who believes and only Jesus the son of God can forgive our sins.

  14. cuckholddon says:

    It seems that all some folks worry about is what others might say or think!

  15. Vanessa Law says:

    Ooh… you’re lucky Queline! I think your husband might have a secret that would be most enjoyable for both of you to explore together! Have fun!

  16. D says:

    If it turned you on then tell him it turned you on. If he doesn’t really like doing it you will find out. If he does like doing it you will find out. If he does like it and it turns you on . . . do I really need to go any further?

    Have as much fun as you can. Let him have as much fun as he can.

  17. Pedi says:

    so why don’t you tell him your thoughts? have fun with him if it turns you both on. there R many CDs that wish to have someone like you, a fem that turns on by thier derss ( like me), you r lucky honey

  18. maggied says:

    My wife Rene and I would like to thank you for your your insightful email reply to her post last week. I must say we both agreed with much of what you had to say.

    It may be psychological but I seem to have always had an inherent though conflictive desire to feel soft and pretty. Being raised in a strict religious mid western community in the 50’s I was brought up with clear cut set of rules as to masculine and feminine rolls, and if you crossed over you could face severe ridicule. As a man I was taught that I was supposed to be the strong silent provider. My wife was supposed to be the nurturer house keeper.

    Yet try as I may I could never fill the shoes that had been set out for me. I don’t know if it fed my desire to dress but I never felt that I was a success as a man. It seemed that my whole life centered around being what other men expected me to be and I never felt I could measure up to their standards.

    Dressing for me was an fantasy outlet where I could be me without having to measure up. When I dressed I would take on an entirely different persona where my spirits would soar and my depression would lift. I would no longer feel like a failure or out of role if I used a vacuum or did a load of laundry. I could be happy dusting and cooking for hours. Possibly, deep inside I felt that because I couldn’t live up to others expectations of me as a man then I somehow wasn’t really a man and a being a woman was my only other option, even if it were only fantasy.

    So when I met my wife and she embraced my cross dressing and me as a man at the same time it was as if the clouds had been lifted and the heavens open. And as I was encouraged by her to openly dress at home my life outside the home began to prosper. I became far more docile as well as successful in my work and increasing more involved in my community. My circle of friends widened and my disposition become much brighter.

    I agree with you that Christ never gives up on us and walks with us where ever we go and I thank him everyday for putting such a wonderful woman in my life. I could not began to express in writing just how much I love her. Though she encourages my dressing she in essence makes me want to be a better man.

  19. Dseacoast says:

    Good for you K. It would be so fun to go out in public with your wife while wearing her lingerie and clothing. It would be sexy and erotic to share those moments with your wife. I wear a lot of my wifes panties, stockings with garter, camisol and occaissional teddy. I am lucky that my wife and I are very close in size so I don’t stretch out her lingerie. I am pretty well endowed and my wife loves to see my package wrapped in her silky panties or falling out of one of her teddies. Some day maybe when traveling I would love to crossdress totally as a woman and lift my skirt to flash my wife! It is too bad that so many woman are hung up on crossdressing. Love your man and he will love you. Give it a chance, you might like it.

  20. Cherylteaks says:

    Fed up and Me, I guess you think you have the bases covered. Self indulgent? Maybe for some but I guarantee very few. I guess maybe the dressing is about you. We live tortured lives with a terrible secret. Knowing that the rules of society will crush everything we build if it were to get out. Yet it hurts no one. The problem is that society says a person must be like everyone else and not allowed to be an individual. If being myself is selfish and self indulgent then I am guilty.
    I have 2 children that know about me and they are both intelligent well adjusted young adults. They have known about me since they were nine and eleven. I am not a sexual deviant! I am also a well adjusted adult who lives a very masculine life and have the respect of many men of whom I lead on a daily basis. It really sounds like you need to look within yourselves and figure out what the problem really is. You would say it is him…..I think we all know different. He is probably a very good husband and father. Quit listening to all the hype about transvestites (that are actually a very, very small part of our community) and give the gut a break. He tells you he quit because that’s all you want to hear but the reality is he can’t. He can’t! He can’t…. I am also sorry for being so forceful but I really do believe you need it. Open your mind or leave but don’t make his life a living hell because he desires to be himself. It sounds to me like it is your way or the highway.
    Now if you would really like to talk I am open for discussing issues with you but you must bring an open mind to the table.

    Cheryl Ann

  21. Jane don says:

    Fed up– Hmmm-wife& I have raised 5 children& now we have 5 grandchildren–& neither the kids or grandkids have a problem with my crossdressing –I wonder why it’s Sooo different in Your situation????
    Something to think about????

  22. Lori says:

    You know what? I had a wife similar to yours. The only difference is that I am a transsexual and she accepted me. We still stayed together. We loved each other sooo much! There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t tell each other that we loved each other and we were IN love with each other. I coldn’t have asked for a better wife. We were married for 26 years and raised a set of twins together. This past Novermeber in 2012 she passed away. She got very ill. It shouldn’t have happened to her and I blame a couple of healthcare places for what happened to her. I miss her so much and I can’t talk about her very long because I cry and shake sooo badly. She was my life! She was my everything! She was the reason I got up everyday! Now I am home alone very lonely and very depressed. The internet helps me as it keeps my mind occupied. But still it is exremely hard for me.

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