When you marry the man you love, you hope for a life of bliss – your own ‘happiness ever after’, but even the most optimistic of us will expect some challenges along this wonderful journey called marriage. You probably didn’t expect him to utter these fateful words, ‘Honey, I’m a Cross Dresser’.
A few weeks ago I wrote an article about what to do if your boyfriend is a cross dresser.
Today I’ll address some of the most common questions from wives who find out that their husband is a cross dresser. I highly recommend that you buy a copy of the book My Husband Wears My Clothes. It was written a few years ago by Peggy Rudd, a PhD and wife of a cross dresser. She provides loving insight into the how and why of cross dressing.
So what do you do when you find out for the first time? The most important thing to realize is that it is okay to feel shocked, uncertain and confused. It’s not every day that you meet a cross dresser, much less find out that your husband is one!
The next thing to realize, is that he is telling you this because he loves and trusts you deeply. He is probably just as scared as you are right now. You both need to be careful not to say anything that would hurt the other person.You’re both in a sensitive position. While you should respect that he it is difficult for him to share with you, you should also expect him to go as fast or as slow as you can handle.
The first thing to do is reassure him that you love him. This will be tough to do. You’re shocked and not in full control of your emotions, but even though you just discovered your husband is a cross dresser you need to show love.
So now you may be wondering:
He’s a cross dresser, is he gay? Probably not, most cross dressers are heterosexual
Why didn’t he tell me about his crossdressing sooner? This one is tricky, ideally he would have shared with you before you were married. Most likely he thought he could control it, he thought that being married would quell the urge to cross dress. That hardly ever (never) happens, and he probably put it off for so long because he was afraid of how you would react. Ironically, he has hid this secret from you for so long because he loves you so much!
Why does he cross dress? Phew, an even tougher but great question. I explored this in some detail in my article ‘why do men cross dress‘. The short answer is that no one knows for sure and many men have different reasons for why they cross dress, but most describe it as a need, an urge that won’t go away.
How can I make him stop cross dressing? You’re asking all the right questions love, but you probably won’t like the answer to this one. You can’t stop him from cross dressing. Sure, you’ll fight and he’ll promise not to cross dress, but a few months later you’ll find a pair of size 12 pink pumps in the wardrobe…
Does he want a sex change? Probably not. There are fewer transsexuals than cross dressers, so it is less likely that your husband has a desire to change his sex. Most cross dressers are happily married and only enjoy dressing part time.
So now what do I do? As I mentioned above, reassure him that you love him. Spend a lot of time in deep, open conversation with him about his desire to cross dress. Learn as much as you can about it (I know I sound like a used car salesman, but trust me buy this book!). Learn to compromise – let this grow you closer together rather than split you apart. Work with your husband to set limits that you are comfortable with as well. If you don’t want him to dress when your friends are around; let him know.
Tri-Ess has some great information and a Crossdressers wives bill of rights which makes for a great starting point as you and your husband come to a fair compromise about his cross dressing. There are many other good resources on the Internet. Also, take some time to explore Cross Dresser Heaven, I’ve gathered a number of resources that may be valuable for you.
Good luck, and please contact me if you need any support or advice!
Hugs,
Vanessa
P.S. Thanks to my lovely wife for reviewing this article before I posted it. As much as we listen, we need to be open to the precious woman in our lives – they are often trying to tell us more.
I’ve been married to across dresser for over 25 years. My experience is that my”acceptance” of this has come at the expense of our sex life. He has ED except he seems to prefer to dress up no problem and gets his jollies. Then he tells me that I have to get him some Cialis myself if I want sex. At this point I’m tired and don’t feel like I should have to prep him for sex like he’s doing me a favor. It’s very sad to be in a marriage like this. I don’t want to cheat on him so I guess my sex life is over.
Masturbation doesn’t require an erection as hard as intercourse. Your attitude spells disaster
[...] I recently covered some of the top questions a wife of a cross dresser will have here: My husband is a cross dresser [...]
This may not be the place for this, but I am very fortunate to have an extremely understanding and accepting wife and I love her dearly. We have been married 11 years. I told her of my crossdressing before we married and even tho she was basically unaware of crossdressing I explained that I was a “hetrosexual” crossdresser. The main thing she heard was the word “hetrosexual”. The rest of my explaination of cding was easy. It only took a few hours of her thinking about it and she sent me a e-mail saying that many of the things she loved about me were feminine traits, ie. gentleness, considerate, understanding,temperance, Love, etc. She then said Jim Reeves said it best when he sang, ” Welcome to my world, won’t you come on in.” Since that time we have married and I have worn women’s clothes 95% of the time. I have had my facial hair totally removed by electrology. We are both retired and travel. I travel enfemme and we often shop together, eat out, go to movies, to plays, the casinos, we do most everything together as girlfriends. We also share the housework. If she cooks, I clean up and vice versa, if she dust, I vaccum, I do the laundry and she irons. We share our lives and we deeply love and respect each other. Susan Heiss
I am Devika’s wife. In fact, when I knew that my husband (Komali Devika) is crossdresser, I was disappointed. However, as he has been good in bed as man, I thought there was no harm allowing him to dress him in saree. I encouraged him. I allowed him to grow his hair. I named him Devika, while in dress. Some times we (two ladies) go for shopping also. Now he is having mid-back length hair and also have a medium sized breast also. I do not use breast forms or any stuff for his breast. I use only padded bra, which is shown as real breast.
Right before I was married I found a pair of panties in my husbands stuff. When I asked him about it, he said he likes to wear them. First shocked… then I accepted it, for a while. But everytime I felt he was wearing them, I didn’t want to touch him. There is something so femine about it that to me, he doesn’t look attractive anymore. So, he stopped and we got married. Our daughter was 10 months at the time. But it seems he is still cross dressing because I found more items… this time it was worse. He is wearing my dresses, skirts, pants, bras and underwear. I don’t know what to do. I feel like we have been very open about this situation and I asked him to share with me everytime he feels an urge.. but he doesn’t. He still tries to hide it. Why? I already know. There is no more surprise. I feel like I have to accept this, or leave him. We are thinking of starting therapy soon. Will this help? Am I suppose to settle? I love with all my heart and soul and I never pictured my life without him, but I can’t live with this. And for the women on here that say the men never change, I think I might have to leave him. The thought brings instant tears to my eyes. Help?
Dear Aubre
The decision to leave a marriage is a very momentous one.
Yet I cannot say it is not the thing to do given your strong feelings about “xd-ing”. The reason your husband hides his continuing desires is his awareness that you don’t prefer him in feminine clothing and he thus doesn’t wish to embarass himself or make you uncomfortable. His behavior is understandable just as your feeling about a man in woman’s clothing is as well. There is no solution other than to dissolve the relationship in my view in order that you both a freed to pursue your own happiness. Therapy is unlikely to change either your feelings or your husband’s needs although it is likely to make the communication of feeling easier and deeper and ease the pain of separation. I speak as a lifelong cd and as a trained psychologist knowledgeable in the issues you speak of. You didn’t mention your age of course and that may be an important consideration in the decision. If you see a counselor- be sure that they are fully knowledgeable regarding transgender issues. I wish you the best of luck.
Mandee Fine Ph.D.
Hi Mandee,
My husband had been acting differently for about 2 months. He seemd more irratable & unfocused alot. I asked him what was going on and he said he didn’t know. He’d just lost 55 lbs. over a 5 month time frame as a result of finding out he was a fullblown diabetic. He also was dealing with an almost nonexistant amount of testosterone in his body (& getting low does injections to regulate that)as well as dealing with ED. (& now having to take Viagra) However our sex life became nonexistant for 6 months. He was withdrawn and moodier then usual. I just chalked it up to so many changes in his body. Then he started “disappearing” and wouldn’t answer my texts or phone calls saying he didn’t hear his phone ring etc. He’d tellme he’s be home at a certain time and show up hours later which was very unlike him. We’ve been together 6 years, married for 4 of those. Finally last week he told me he was safe but we’d have to talk when he got home. He walked in the house in full woman’s dress. I was shocked & yet at the same time wasn’t. I didn’t like looking at him dressed as a woman but the wig & lipstick was the worst for me. I calmly asked him to take off the wig & he did. He then sat down & we had a calm conversation. I then went to bed & he thought “wow, this is great. She accepts me and now life can go on as usual”. He came to bed wearing garters, hose, boobs & a nighty. I wanted to cry & run away. But I didn’t. I love my husband & I want to stay married but with guidlines. He knows that. I’m not interested in seeing him prance around the house as a woman whenever he’s home.He’s agreed to counseling, not to change but for both of us to learn how to manage this way of living. I don’t want him sneeking off to be with other CD or going to bars to get approval. I worry about it escalating into something bigger and at 57 yrs. old I’m not willing to throw the rest of my life away “settling”. I want to know I can trust him. I don’t want lies & deceit. I know CD doesn’t “stop” & I accept that. I can’t accept seeing my husband dressed as a woman though.He told me the weight loss kind of spured it on again. He felt good about how he looked & I can understand that. But I’m not comfortable watching transvestite porn or anything like that. I want my husband to be turned on by me which he says he is. I guess I’m afraid one day it won’t be enough for him. He says he’s bisexual. Anyway, that’s my story for now.
Dear Aubre,
There can be a happy ending.) I felt very simliar when my husband 1st told me a few years after we married. I “allowed” it for a while and then gave him the ultimatum…CD or me. He chose me and I fully believed he had quit. 2 children, post-pardum depression, & a very rocky patch followed. Then we got our relationship back on track. It was perfect until the night he told me he was still dressing. This was 1 year ago. I didn’t react to what he told me, so he thought it was ok. I was devastated and felt completely betrayed and trapped. I began intense CD research to understand why he would risk his family and possibly his career for this. I asked myself some very hard questions. I wrote down my feelings & questions for my husband. Then, I started the conversation that would forever change our marriage. I could not talk to him in person, so I waited until he went on a business trip. I began the conversation, by telling him not to talk and I would ask questions at the end. (I did not want any interruptions that would steer me away from my points.) I felt some better just telling him how I felt. The I began questioning him. I asked the questions that I didn’t want the answers to (but I had to know the truth) and I got some unsettling answers. But…I got the truth. Then I let him talk uninterrupted and I LISTENED. For the 1st time, I listened without forming bias while he talked, & without thinking of what I was going to say next. When it was all done, I could not wait for him to get home so I could give him the biggest hug ever. I didn’t accept the CD, but I was willing to learn more and to create boundaries. I researched more and kept asking questions. He wanted to purge his stuff again, but I told him not to. I knew he’d just buy more eventually. I’m glad that he didn’t because for his birthday, I decided to ask him to dress. We stayed at home and I got very drunk. Amazing, we had a great time. He opened up more and the conversation never stopped. 8 hours seemed like 30 minutes. Oh, I dressed up nice for him and that made it more fun too. So now, we do this on occasion and he dresses when he goes on trips. I think I’ve benefited from his CD greatly because I’m more accepting of people for who they are. I am less judgemental and criticle of others. The end result is that I’m a much happier person and our marriage is stronger than ever.
So why is your husband not telling you the truth about dressing? Your answer is in your statement “I didn’t want to touch him.” Even though my husband knows that I truly accept his dressing, he still worries that I may change my mind. Why? Because I was so against it in the past.
Will he change? Research says no. But do you really want him to? You fell in love with him for who he is and CD is a part of what has made him who he is. To remove that will change him into someone you do not know.
one more thing, I was against CD because “it was not normal”. I changed my own mind when I asked myself, “who defines normal? And why is normal so important?” Some of the greatest ideas and greatest people have been anything but normal. I wish you the best of luck in sorting though your feelings and relationship. Oh- sorry for the book; I’m a bit long-winded!
I have just leant that my husband likes 2 dress up in womans cloths it is hard 4 me 2 understand and he has people he can talk 2 but i havent got any 1 i cant tell friends or family about it i love him so much and im really scared and would like sum help would like 2 talk 2 people in the same boat but dont know were 2 go or who 2 go 2
Hey sweetie, take a look at http://www.crossdresserheaven.com/about/crossdresser-support-groups/ – there are support groups listed around the country. Hopefully you’ll find one close to where you live.
Blessings
Vanessa
[...] of mine. She’s even helped review a few articles for Crossdresser Heaven such as ‘I married a crossdresser‘, though I’m still working on her to write an [...]
I’m from India. I’m very young. 18 years and I find crossdressing very exciting and erotic.
Hi Dipankar,
Thanks for stopping by – it’s great to have you on Crossdresser Heaven. What’s it like in India? Is crossdressing taboo, or more accepted? I’ve read a few articles about the transgendered in India, but haven’t spoken with many crossdressers from India.
wow – most of you here are so accepting. 10 years into this for me and OH and I think he has thrown out the stuff he bought 3 times…just buys more I guess. I think he now hides it in a house he lives in away from home in the week.
I hate it…hate it I thought it was funny 10 years ago before I had kids that he told me he liked to wear my pants to get akick out of…then it was eyeshadow, then it was wigs , shoes, stockings etc etc
When I was pregnant I said no more it makes me sick and here we are 6 years later and lie after lie I am finding its still going on.
I think it is a self indulgent sexual fetish and I think he should respect me and our children before putting his sexual needs first. Whats wrong with that?
Hi me,
I can understand your frustrations, and how it seems like he puts his needs ahead of those of your family. If I were to guess, his crossdressing is tearing him apart too. Many crossdressers feel guilt and shame, and then throw out what they’ve bought. This is often called a ‘purge’, with the desire to cleanse themselves of this impurity.
Unfortunately, almost everyone I’ve spoken to has the need to crossdress return within a short while. Many who continue to deny it live with depression, or may even commit suicide. Society tends to view crossdressing as you do, as a ‘self indulgent sexual fetish’. For many men, it is not just a sexual fetish, but a deep need to express the feminine side of themselves.
I know this is not easy for you, and makes your relationship more challenging. The best advice I can give is to communicate often. Share your feelings with him in a loving and caring way. Ask him to do the same. Open, honest heart to heart sharing is the only way I know of that couples can come through stronger.
Best of luck dear!
Vanessa
I think it is a self indulgent sexual fetish and I think he should respect me and our children before putting his sexual needs first. Whats wrong with that?
how right you are, they can dress it up and make it sound like they are in touch with their femme side, but it get more hurtful as we have children, mu husband has no regards for me or the children when he is in his selfish mode, why should i accept this in our lives, all this respect and loving and understanding is bull. they married us and expect us to understand this, when in reality they want everything their way, and then it turns out to be somehow our fault because we dont understand, sorry for sounding bitter, but after years of marriage and compromise its just too much to take. xx i wish you luck, and tbh they never stop they just become good liars
I sort of think my fiance might be into cross dressing. He has always dressed very well, and sometimes seems to enjoys dressing me more than himself. I just figured it was just him being him.
The he dressed up as a girl on a bet, and he seemed to enjoy very well. Unfortunately, I think my opinion might be biased, b/c when he was dressed up, it turned me on to no end! I was so embarrassed that I didn’t know whether or not to let him know my thoughts
But he has been hinting lately that he wouldn’t mind doing it again, and he always lets me do fun things to his hair and such so maybe if I asked extra nice he’d do it again.
is it possible that you guys aren’t attracted to being a women, perhaps you just want to be beautiful. You want your hair to be long cause you like long hair. You like makeup because it improves your face. You like silk and panty hoses and soft fabics ,because they are seductive and draw you in. C.S. Lewis said we don’t want to simply see beauty but go throught it. Perhaps you want to be as desired as you desire. You want her to feel about you the way you feel about . Male birds are more glorious than their female counter parts. wear vibrant colors and soft rich fabrics and wear gold too! but love being a man because its a gift to be one. and don’t worry about playing dress up, get your own clothes. men are awesome. Don’t worry about being strong because God made you a man to show you and the world how strong you really are. Remember God is God and he choses his bride and he is the lion,he is the king over his pride. We just want attention because we all have beautiful rainbows in our minds. The rainbow is God gift to everone, not just gays. The cross is for anyone who believes and only Jesus the son of God can forgive our sins.
Ooh… you’re lucky Queline! I think your husband might have a secret that would be most enjoyable for both of you to explore together! Have fun!
If it turned you on then tell him it turned you on. If he doesn’t really like doing it you will find out. If he does like doing it you will find out. If he does like it and it turns you on . . . do I really need to go any further?
Have as much fun as you can. Let him have as much fun as he can.
My wife Rene and I would like to thank you for your your insightful email reply to her post last week. I must say we both agreed with much of what you had to say.
It may be psychological but I seem to have always had an inherent though conflictive desire to feel soft and pretty. Being raised in a strict religious mid western community in the 50′s I was brought up with clear cut set of rules as to masculine and feminine rolls, and if you crossed over you could face severe ridicule. As a man I was taught that I was supposed to be the strong silent provider. My wife was supposed to be the nurturer house keeper.
Yet try as I may I could never fill the shoes that had been set out for me. I don’t know if it fed my desire to dress but I never felt that I was a success as a man. It seemed that my whole life centered around being what other men expected me to be and I never felt I could measure up to their standards.
Dressing for me was an fantasy outlet where I could be me without having to measure up. When I dressed I would take on an entirely different persona where my spirits would soar and my depression would lift. I would no longer feel like a failure or out of role if I used a vacuum or did a load of laundry. I could be happy dusting and cooking for hours. Possibly, deep inside I felt that because I couldn’t live up to others expectations of me as a man then I somehow wasn’t really a man and a being a woman was my only other option, even if it were only fantasy.
So when I met my wife and she embraced my cross dressing and me as a man at the same time it was as if the clouds had been lifted and the heavens open. And as I was encouraged by her to openly dress at home my life outside the home began to prosper. I became far more docile as well as successful in my work and increasing more involved in my community. My circle of friends widened and my disposition become much brighter.
I agree with you that Christ never gives up on us and walks with us where ever we go and I thank him everyday for putting such a wonderful woman in my life. I could not began to express in writing just how much I love her. Though she encourages my dressing she in essence makes me want to be a better man.
Good for you K. It would be so fun to go out in public with your wife while wearing her lingerie and clothing. It would be sexy and erotic to share those moments with your wife. I wear a lot of my wifes panties, stockings with garter, camisol and occaissional teddy. I am lucky that my wife and I are very close in size so I don’t stretch out her lingerie. I am pretty well endowed and my wife loves to see my package wrapped in her silky panties or falling out of one of her teddies. Some day maybe when traveling I would love to crossdress totally as a woman and lift my skirt to flash my wife! It is too bad that so many woman are hung up on crossdressing. Love your man and he will love you. Give it a chance, you might like it.