When you marry the man you love, you hope for a life of bliss – your own ‘happiness ever after’, but even the most optimistic of us will expect some challenges along this wonderful journey called marriage. You probably didn’t expect him to utter these fateful words, ‘Honey, I’m a Cross Dresser’.
A few weeks ago I wrote an article about what to do if your boyfriend is a cross dresser.
Today I’ll address some of the most common questions from wives who find out that their husband is a cross dresser. I highly recommend that you buy a copy of the book My Husband Wears My Clothes. It was written a few years ago by Peggy Rudd, a PhD and wife of a cross dresser. She provides loving insight into the how and why of cross dressing.
So what do you do when you find out for the first time? The most important thing to realize is that it is okay to feel shocked, uncertain and confused. It’s not every day that you meet a cross dresser, much less find out that your husband is one!
The next thing to realize, is that he is telling you this because he loves and trusts you deeply. He is probably just as scared as you are right now. You both need to be careful not to say anything that would hurt the other person.You’re both in a sensitive position. While you should respect that he it is difficult for him to share with you, you should also expect him to go as fast or as slow as you can handle.
The first thing to do is reassure him that you love him. This will be tough to do. You’re shocked and not in full control of your emotions, but even though you just discovered your husband is a cross dresser you need to show love.
So now you may be wondering:
He’s a cross dresser, is he gay? Probably not, most cross dressers are heterosexual
Why didn’t he tell me about his crossdressing sooner? This one is tricky, ideally he would have shared with you before you were married. Most likely he thought he could control it, he thought that being married would quell the urge to cross dress. That hardly ever (never) happens, and he probably put it off for so long because he was afraid of how you would react. Ironically, he has hid this secret from you for so long because he loves you so much!
Why does he cross dress? Phew, an even tougher but great question. I explored this in some detail in my article ‘why do men cross dress‘. The short answer is that no one knows for sure and many men have different reasons for why they cross dress, but most describe it as a need, an urge that won’t go away.
How can I make him stop cross dressing? You’re asking all the right questions love, but you probably won’t like the answer to this one. You can’t stop him from cross dressing. Sure, you’ll fight and he’ll promise not to cross dress, but a few months later you’ll find a pair of size 12 pink pumps in the wardrobe…
Does he want a sex change? Probably not. There are fewer transsexuals than cross dressers, so it is less likely that your husband has a desire to change his sex. Most cross dressers are happily married and only enjoy dressing part time.
So now what do I do? As I mentioned above, reassure him that you love him. Spend a lot of time in deep, open conversation with him about his desire to cross dress. Learn as much as you can about it (I know I sound like a used car salesman, but trust me buy this book!). Learn to compromise – let this grow you closer together rather than split you apart. Work with your husband to set limits that you are comfortable with as well. If you don’t want him to dress when your friends are around; let him know.
Tri-Ess has some great information and a Crossdressers wives bill of rights which makes for a great starting point as you and your husband come to a fair compromise about his cross dressing. There are many other good resources on the Internet. Also, take some time to explore Cross Dresser Heaven, I’ve gathered a number of resources that may be valuable for you.
Good luck, and please contact me if you need any support or advice!
Hugs,
Vanessa
P.S. Thanks to my lovely wife for reviewing this article before I posted it. As much as we listen, we need to be open to the precious woman in our lives – they are often trying to tell us more.
Hi, My name is Tabitha Anderson. I had read what you had said about cross dressing. I had also just purchased the book “MY HUSBAND WEARS MY CLOTHES”. I have not read it yet. I am writing you to say that I have been married for 4 years to my husband and have been with him for 10 years. He had told me that he was a cross dresser when we had gotten together before we were married. I hate to sound mean but I have asked him several times to stop and had called him gay. maybe now I can get some insight from the book and not think that. I have no problem with him wearing my coats, skirts, or shirts. I have a problem when it comes down to him wanting to buy a pair of stilitos. 6 inches. I don’t even wear high heels. He says that likes wearing high heels because its tight on his feet and the embarrassment. I don’t like feeling like that. I let him go out sometimes dressed up in gowns and coats with purses. We have 3 boys together and I don’t want their father to see them like that. Is there a possibility that they will turn out that way too? I am not against gays or lesbians. I just don’t want my children growing up thinking its ok to dress like dad. please if you could give me some of your insights on the subject, that would be appreciated. thank you
This is confusing-You knew,it bothered you& you got married anyway!!!
Kids are the most accepting of differance of all humans(unless they are taught intolerance& hate)!
Wife& I raised 5 kids-now have grandkids& they all know& accept my dressing &-You know what-they are more conservitive that wife or I!!
Think of it this way-Are you Excatly the same as YOUR mother!!!!!
Hi Tabitha,
First of all, it’s very late, but I felt the need to respond. I jumped back to the beginning because the paragraphs could have been better organized, but i’m so tired.
I am a straight cross-dresser. I’m forty three and i’ve never had sex with a man. And, I never will. I absolutely adore women! I love everthing about them. The way they look, the way the feel and smell, the way they think. And, I really love the way they carry themselves, they’re so graceful and beautiful. Just look at the way a man walks compared to a woman.
There are many more straight cross-dressers out there than you could possibly imagine. Straight cross-dressers very rarely come out of the closet because of precisely what you did to your husband. Why would you ridicule a man you supposidly love. Also, what does him wanting to wear heels matter whether you do or not. It makes me crazy when I hear people getting so upset about such a small things like cross-dressing. Is he beating you, is he cheating on you, is he abusing you or your children, those are things to worry about.
Even if your children accidentally saw your husband in drag, do you really believe that will make your children want to cross-dress or make them gay? If you do, that is absolutely insane. Every gay person i’ve ever met has told me they were born that way. Most knew by the time they hit puberty they were gay or bi sexual, whatever. Also, the fact that your husband likes cross-dressing, let me be the first to tell you, he was born with that kink or fetish. If you tell him to quit, he may throw everything away, but guess what? He will rebuy and hide it from you eventually. Many cross-dressers do that on there own. They throw every thing out and then rebuy, throw everything out and rebuy. Cross-dressers who are just getting started don’t want to be cross-dressers. Why would anyone want this hardship. Most people don’t accept it and you’re completely misunderstood. I said in the beginning because once you learn to love yourself, you can enjoy cross-dressing as if it were a gift. I do!! Do you really want him hiding a huge part of his life from you? If so, tell him he needs to quit.
By the way, if your children were to accidenatally see him in drag, there are many things you could tell them. We were invited to a costume party and this may be your dads costume, isn’t that silly? Your father is goofing off with my clothes. Your father always tells me I take to long to get ready, now he knows how time consuming it is. Whatever!!!
Your husband brought up liking the embarrassment. To put this in the simplest of terms, your husband is kinky. In your husband’s mind, he knows men aren’t supposed to wear womans clothes. It’s taboo! When he wears womens clothes he gets a sexual charge out of it. It turns him on. The more feminine the clothing the bigger the turn on. The highest heels, the brightest lipstick, the frilliest panties. I will guarantee he would love for you to play a dominant role in the bedroom. I’ll tell you how I know that in a second. If you open your mind, and open your heart, you will have the best sex of your life. You will spice up your marriage in ways you can’t possibly imagine. You will have a much stronger bond, I swear. You don’t have to be kinky everytime you have sex, even if you do it now and then, it will improve your marriage. I understand your husband because he has the same kinks/fetishes as I have. I’ve been very lucky to have understood what I needed to be happy in life. My sex life with my girlfriend is heaven on earth.
The embarrassment aspects in the kinky community is called humiliation play. In your husbands and my situation it starts with the woman taking control,”Female Domination”. I know about this because I love this type of play. I’ll give examples of what I think you husband wants. Please be open minded this may be something you may find very strange. My girlfriend gets unbelievably turned on by the power of this type of play and you may also. Just try it, please.
Get into the mindset, you are the boss. You are a beautiful Diva. Use your imagination. You can do anything you want, take total control. First, make him dress-up. You don’t even need to start with him being fully dressed. Maybe just make him wear lipstick, or heels, or both. Go to your bedroom and sit on the bed. Maybe spring this on him. Okay you want to dress, i’m going to make that happen. If you’re going to do it, you’ll do it my way. Tell him to put some lipstick and some heels on. Have him stand in front of you, as you look him over like an inspection. This will excite him because it will embarrassment him. Humiliation play may sound cruel to some, but I assure you, it’s a huge turn on. Make him walk sexy. Tell him he’s pretty. Tell him he’s a good girl. Make up a femme name for him. Call him Lisa, or Susan, whatever. Paddle him if he doesn’t do something the way you want. These things will be hard for him to do, he will be humiliated. But, it will turn him on more than he’s ever been before. One thing that was incredibly difficult for me was I was told to dance in front of my girlfriend while she sat on the bed and watched. OMG, that was horribly embarrassing, I almost couldn’t do it. I was threatened with not being able to orgasm that night, so I did it. OMG, it turned me on like you wouldn’t believe!! Take control!!! As you’re doing this you can make him do all the things you like. If you like back rubs, tell him to rub your back. If you like your feet being kissed, make him kiss your feet. If you like to make out, if you want him to go down on you, make him. You are the boss! Make it a game. Some things may be to embarrassing, you can feel that out, but be strict. Maybe give him a choice between two differnt things. I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but I know a woman who used this type of play to get her husband to do house chores. lol No Joke. If you don’t do the dishes we’re not playing tonight. lol
I know this went all over the place. I’ve been up for twenty six hours. I wanted to explain what he meant by liking the embarrassment of wearing femme things. He will be embarrassed by “doing” femme things, he will be embarrassed if you treat him femme, as well.
Someone said a lot of people worry about what others might say or think. I worry more about the violence. I’m afraid someone might beat me up or worse. I hear so much about transgender people getting hurtit worries me.
Yes-safety can still be a concern-BUT -If more of us don’t get out in public-things will Never get better!
Hi myself I got lucky i been cross dressing since I was ten years old I used to take my mom and sister bra and panties and wear them when I could as I got older I though I grew out of it but no I used to dress for my wife and she loved it it made our sex better I got with another girl few year later I didn’t know how she feel about it I started out telling her I love wearing panties she was ok with it then it got to more and more I couldn’t stop still cant I started hormones the more I look and felt like a female the more she loved me now I have real breast long hair so I don’t have to wear a wig I have more women clothes then women I don’t like wearing anything but women I was so scared I told my daughter about me she was ok with it now at chirstmas they buy me women clothes and stuff which I love no matter what I wear I am always in women panties they are so comfy I go out dressed as a female when I can I love my life I wish you all the best of luck don’t give up Alicia
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I’m from India. I’m very young. 18 years and I find crossdressing very exciting and erotic.
Hi Dipankar,
Thanks for stopping by – it’s great to have you on Crossdresser Heaven. What’s it like in India? Is crossdressing taboo, or more accepted? I’ve read a few articles about the transgendered in India, but haven’t spoken with many crossdressers from India.
wow – most of you here are so accepting. 10 years into this for me and OH and I think he has thrown out the stuff he bought 3 times…just buys more I guess. I think he now hides it in a house he lives in away from home in the week.
I hate it…hate it I thought it was funny 10 years ago before I had kids that he told me he liked to wear my pants to get akick out of…then it was eyeshadow, then it was wigs , shoes, stockings etc etc
When I was pregnant I said no more it makes me sick and here we are 6 years later and lie after lie I am finding its still going on.
I think it is a self indulgent sexual fetish and I think he should respect me and our children before putting his sexual needs first. Whats wrong with that?
Hi me,
I can understand your frustrations, and how it seems like he puts his needs ahead of those of your family. If I were to guess, his crossdressing is tearing him apart too. Many crossdressers feel guilt and shame, and then throw out what they’ve bought. This is often called a ‘purge’, with the desire to cleanse themselves of this impurity.
Unfortunately, almost everyone I’ve spoken to has the need to crossdress return within a short while. Many who continue to deny it live with depression, or may even commit suicide. Society tends to view crossdressing as you do, as a ‘self indulgent sexual fetish’. For many men, it is not just a sexual fetish, but a deep need to express the feminine side of themselves.
I know this is not easy for you, and makes your relationship more challenging. The best advice I can give is to communicate often. Share your feelings with him in a loving and caring way. Ask him to do the same. Open, honest heart to heart sharing is the only way I know of that couples can come through stronger.
Best of luck dear!
Vanessa
I think it is a self indulgent sexual fetish and I think he should respect me and our children before putting his sexual needs first. Whats wrong with that?
how right you are, they can dress it up and make it sound like they are in touch with their femme side, but it get more hurtful as we have children, mu husband has no regards for me or the children when he is in his selfish mode, why should i accept this in our lives, all this respect and loving and understanding is bull. they married us and expect us to understand this, when in reality they want everything their way, and then it turns out to be somehow our fault because we dont understand, sorry for sounding bitter, but after years of marriage and compromise its just too much to take. xx i wish you luck, and tbh they never stop they just become good liars
I agree with you! I did that with my family and now I regret it. I am so sorry I wasn’t the best parent. I should have never told them about me.
ME–Why is something so harmless so bothersome to you?
Kids are very accepting of people who are “Differant” unless taught not to be(usally by excample(Watching) adults around them!
Reading the Hatred you have-I’m thinking you have other issues with your hubby& are just using his Crossdressing as an excuse!
I sort of think my fiance might be into cross dressing. He has always dressed very well, and sometimes seems to enjoys dressing me more than himself. I just figured it was just him being him.
The he dressed up as a girl on a bet, and he seemed to enjoy very well. Unfortunately, I think my opinion might be biased, b/c when he was dressed up, it turned me on to no end! I was so embarrassed that I didn’t know whether or not to let him know my thoughts
But he has been hinting lately that he wouldn’t mind doing it again, and he always lets me do fun things to his hair and such so maybe if I asked extra nice he’d do it again.
is it possible that you guys aren’t attracted to being a women, perhaps you just want to be beautiful. You want your hair to be long cause you like long hair. You like makeup because it improves your face. You like silk and panty hoses and soft fabics ,because they are seductive and draw you in. C.S. Lewis said we don’t want to simply see beauty but go throught it. Perhaps you want to be as desired as you desire. You want her to feel about you the way you feel about . Male birds are more glorious than their female counter parts. wear vibrant colors and soft rich fabrics and wear gold too! but love being a man because its a gift to be one. and don’t worry about playing dress up, get your own clothes. men are awesome. Don’t worry about being strong because God made you a man to show you and the world how strong you really are. Remember God is God and he choses his bride and he is the lion,he is the king over his pride. We just want attention because we all have beautiful rainbows in our minds. The rainbow is God gift to everone, not just gays. The cross is for anyone who believes and only Jesus the son of God can forgive our sins.
It seems that all some folks worry about is what others might say or think!
Ooh… you’re lucky Queline! I think your husband might have a secret that would be most enjoyable for both of you to explore together! Have fun!
If it turned you on then tell him it turned you on. If he doesn’t really like doing it you will find out. If he does like doing it you will find out. If he does like it and it turns you on . . . do I really need to go any further?
Have as much fun as you can. Let him have as much fun as he can.
so why don’t you tell him your thoughts? have fun with him if it turns you both on. there R many CDs that wish to have someone like you, a fem that turns on by thier derss ( like me), you r lucky honey
My wife Rene and I would like to thank you for your your insightful email reply to her post last week. I must say we both agreed with much of what you had to say.
It may be psychological but I seem to have always had an inherent though conflictive desire to feel soft and pretty. Being raised in a strict religious mid western community in the 50′s I was brought up with clear cut set of rules as to masculine and feminine rolls, and if you crossed over you could face severe ridicule. As a man I was taught that I was supposed to be the strong silent provider. My wife was supposed to be the nurturer house keeper.
Yet try as I may I could never fill the shoes that had been set out for me. I don’t know if it fed my desire to dress but I never felt that I was a success as a man. It seemed that my whole life centered around being what other men expected me to be and I never felt I could measure up to their standards.
Dressing for me was an fantasy outlet where I could be me without having to measure up. When I dressed I would take on an entirely different persona where my spirits would soar and my depression would lift. I would no longer feel like a failure or out of role if I used a vacuum or did a load of laundry. I could be happy dusting and cooking for hours. Possibly, deep inside I felt that because I couldn’t live up to others expectations of me as a man then I somehow wasn’t really a man and a being a woman was my only other option, even if it were only fantasy.
So when I met my wife and she embraced my cross dressing and me as a man at the same time it was as if the clouds had been lifted and the heavens open. And as I was encouraged by her to openly dress at home my life outside the home began to prosper. I became far more docile as well as successful in my work and increasing more involved in my community. My circle of friends widened and my disposition become much brighter.
I agree with you that Christ never gives up on us and walks with us where ever we go and I thank him everyday for putting such a wonderful woman in my life. I could not began to express in writing just how much I love her. Though she encourages my dressing she in essence makes me want to be a better man.
Good for you K. It would be so fun to go out in public with your wife while wearing her lingerie and clothing. It would be sexy and erotic to share those moments with your wife. I wear a lot of my wifes panties, stockings with garter, camisol and occaissional teddy. I am lucky that my wife and I are very close in size so I don’t stretch out her lingerie. I am pretty well endowed and my wife loves to see my package wrapped in her silky panties or falling out of one of her teddies. Some day maybe when traveling I would love to crossdress totally as a woman and lift my skirt to flash my wife! It is too bad that so many woman are hung up on crossdressing. Love your man and he will love you. Give it a chance, you might like it.
Fed up and Me, I guess you think you have the bases covered. Self indulgent? Maybe for some but I guarantee very few. I guess maybe the dressing is about you. We live tortured lives with a terrible secret. Knowing that the rules of society will crush everything we build if it were to get out. Yet it hurts no one. The problem is that society says a person must be like everyone else and not allowed to be an individual. If being myself is selfish and self indulgent then I am guilty.
I have 2 children that know about me and they are both intelligent well adjusted young adults. They have known about me since they were nine and eleven. I am not a sexual deviant! I am also a well adjusted adult who lives a very masculine life and have the respect of many men of whom I lead on a daily basis. It really sounds like you need to look within yourselves and figure out what the problem really is. You would say it is him…..I think we all know different. He is probably a very good husband and father. Quit listening to all the hype about transvestites (that are actually a very, very small part of our community) and give the gut a break. He tells you he quit because that’s all you want to hear but the reality is he can’t. He can’t! He can’t…. I am also sorry for being so forceful but I really do believe you need it. Open your mind or leave but don’t make his life a living hell because he desires to be himself. It sounds to me like it is your way or the highway.
Now if you would really like to talk I am open for discussing issues with you but you must bring an open mind to the table.
Cheryl Ann
You know what? I had a wife similar to yours. The only difference is that I am a transsexual and she accepted me. We still stayed together. We loved each other sooo much! There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t tell each other that we loved each other and we were IN love with each other. I coldn’t have asked for a better wife. We were married for 26 years and raised a set of twins together. This past Novermeber in 2012 she passed away. She got very ill. It shouldn’t have happened to her and I blame a couple of healthcare places for what happened to her. I miss her so much and I can’t talk about her very long because I cry and shake sooo badly. She was my life! She was my everything! She was the reason I got up everyday! Now I am home alone very lonely and very depressed. The internet helps me as it keeps my mind occupied. But still it is exremely hard for me.