Before you tell me that you have no idea why you and I cross dress, please allow me to present some ideas I have developed over many decades while struggling with this topic.

What do I know? I know that cross dressing is ever-present and is experienced throughout the world. From the study of thousands of nearly identical life stories, I gleaned that this usually starts fairly early in life. I started at age 3 and from what I’ve read to date, cross dressing usually starts the very first time between the ages of 5 to 12. During these early periods of cross dressing, it is typically associated with some form of sexual arousal. Due to society’s general unacceptance of our thrill of cross dressing, we usually learn to feel ashamed or embarrassed and frequently don’t tell others we know who aren’t similar to us. For example, a fairly large portion of us didn’t tell our proposed spouses in advance (and kudos for those who did).

Psychoanalytic psychotherapy was entered by me and continued for 13 years at much financial and emotional expense and I endured the uninformed hypotheses of my analyst and the abusive use of the term “perversion” throughout my alleged “treatment.” All this is mentioned because all of it hasn’t stopped me from thinking of “WHY” I was so committed to this lifestyle. Attempting to feel less isolated, I also joined a number of groups such as CDI (Crossdressers International) in NYC and the Vanity Club dedicated to serving anyone who exhibited trans behavior and felt transgender in some fashion (pun intended).

Visit Transgender Heaven

During the course of my life, I also learned what is involved in the declared “conversion” of gay people (By the way, I don’t think it works and I strongly doubt it would help CD’s either). So, we are left with “WHY” are we crossdressers”

If you’ve ever studied homosexuality, you know that homosexuals don’t have a choice. They primarily know that they are attracted only or mostly to people of the same sex. Nothing succeeds in changing that irrevocably over the course of a lifetime – with very rare exceptions. Therefore, my strong belief is that something biological – either genetically born into someone and/or chemical – e.g. an individual choosing to expose to their self to female hormones, etc.) has happened to both homosexuals and transgender people. We may not have any choice usually with the exception of the individual choice I just noted above.

There is no possibility to overstate the importance of the effect others have on you. All one has to experience is just one transgender conference and the enormity of the effect will NEVER leave you the same. The power of being surrounded by others who are so similar is astonishing. For example, my experience at my first event was completely overpowering. I even met someone who lived near me and who ate in the same restaurants and was very committed as a transgender person. I was completely overwhelmed. We talked endlessly and my identity began to shift. Being exposed to a like individual opened up avenues and deepened my sense of femininity. All of a sudden, I was in a quandary. Am I seriously interested in transitioning or not? Given all that support and love, I considered becoming the woman inside me that I was acutely sensing. I entered therapy with a gender-knowledgeable therapist for a number of sessions and received her approval for undergoing transition. I oscillated between crossdressing (which seemed vulgar at the time) and giving in to the woman I sensed I was. Only when I differentiated how much my children meant to me and that I was their father and that I was imposing my desire onto them did my resolve falter. I also had to consider the serious possibility of needing to get a divorce from my mostly unaccepting wife, I came to the realization I needed to accept the limitations imposed by being a crossdresser. Incidentally, my dear friend wound up transitioning and divorcing his wife. In our last communication (unfortunately- because she felt we were no longer on the same wavelength), she indicated that she was doing well. I miss her desperately.

Juyo Vonsan

If this makes you feel less guilty and ashamed and makes you want to accept your predilections and preferences, so much the better. This website is designed especially for us. Live life to its fullest and learn to actually enjoy who you really are without having any feelings whatsoever of any guilt or shame!

  1. How old were you when you first tried on feminine clothing and was there a sexual arousal and/or relief assocaited with that very first time of cross dressing?
  2. Have you experienced feelings of shame or guilt associated with your thrill of cross dressing and have those feelings prevented you from coming out of the closet and revealing your desires to cross dress over the years?
  3. Have feelings of guilt and/or shame led you to purge all of your feminine clothing on one occasion or more and giving up your thrill of cross dressing for a period of time or giving up cross dressing in its entirety?

Girls, please feel free to take a few moments to respond to the writings in my article or to respond to one or more of the questions I’ve posed to you above.

With much love

Abby Lauren





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Abby Lauren

Have been crossdressing for over 7 decades and still love it as much as ever. I'm married and my wife is very slowly coming to accept this reality. She sometimes even buys me something for Abby. i love to interact with fellow cd's and go out as often as fits into my schedule. I live part-time in the USA and travel as often as I am able to. I particularly love attending Trans conventions and meeting up with other Cd's.
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Emily Frances
Emily Frances (@emilyf)
17 days ago

About 7 years ago a dept.head in a California U wrote in the Wall Street Journal “Caught Between Male & Female”.He says that the Mom releases 2 blasts while the baby is in the womb-1-external characteristics-2 brain. 2 does not come out as in sync with 1 sometimes i.e tends more to the female brain. My view is that 2 is not an either or situation but misfires to a varying degree. Thus the more toward female the greater desire/need to transition.
Therefore -why feel guilt or shame?. This is the way we were created

Mollylynn Williams
Mollylynn Williams (@mollylynn)
2 hours ago
Reply to  Abby Lauren

In the first three months of pregnancy, all fetuses are female. Really. It is then that one of two things happen. Either nothing happens with any hormone release and the baby remains female, or the mother releases androgen which creates a male. Don’t believe all men spend three months as females? That’s why men have nipples. Now, if that androgen delivery is too little or too late, that causes problems with the male body, such as Partial Androgen Insufficiency Syndrome, which I have. I grew breasts at 12. (Had them removed at 22 after years of bullying and shame. Then… Read more »

Lisa Fox
Active Member
Lisa Fox (@lisafox)
17 days ago

Hi Abby,   Wonderful article!   In my memory I was about seven when I first dressed in my mothers clothes and make up. As baggy as they were I paraded out to the kitchen in front of my mother and grandparents as proud as can be. My mother was a single mother and I don’t want what I was thinking, I did not feel any sexual arousal, but it felt right.   I purged many times when I was younger, but not in the last twenty five years or so. Now it’s only when something wears out or needs… Read more »

Carly Holloway
Carly Holloway (@carlyellen)
16 days ago

There is an increasing body of evidence in the medical research that seems to point to CD/TG as a result of prenatal brain development. Without getting too technical, it seems that during early and mid gestation, we are exposed to different hormonal conditions that cause our brain to develop in one manner (male or female) while the body develops in the opposite gender direction. I am not convinced that the medical findings are conclusive at this point, and other researches are now under way. With that being said, it appears that what we call CD/TG is as bio normal as… Read more »

Active Member
Terri (@terrim)
16 days ago
Reply to  Carly Holloway

Hi Abby
Hope you are well. Thank you for your great article. So many of us are constantly looking for the answers to why ? After almost committing suicide in my 30s I saw a psychologist. She gave me a lot of insight of why im the person I am. It didnt really explain why I do what I do, but it did help me. After seeing her the concept of Balance became my mantra. Even if did find out Why, what would change ? Hope to see you again in the future.
Yours Terri

Active Member
Terri (@terrim)
13 days ago
Reply to  Abby Lauren

Thank you hun. A sense of Balance really defines the way I feel more than peace. I still struggle with weighing my need and opportunities to express my female side. The crisis obviously has hindered me getting out, but things are getting better. You look amazing as always.
Yours Terri

Sophie Cardin
Sophie Cardin (@sophiecardin)
15 days ago

Excellent article, I started to crossdress at a very young age probably at 4. My earliest memory is about being ‘caught’ sitting in my mother closet dreaming of wearing her green dress, I felt a lot of guilt, even if of course she new nothing about what I was dreaming of… 50 years later I still feel that shame. For years, I worked so hard to hide my feminine side that I became a real man , and no one would ever think I like to crossdress. And now I am still in the closet, and trying to find a… Read more »

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