Before you tell me that you have no idea why you and I cross dress, please allow me to present some ideas I have developed over many decades while struggling with this topic.
What do I know? I know that cross dressing is ever-present and is experienced throughout the world. From the study of thousands of nearly identical life stories, I gleaned that this usually starts fairly early in life. I started at age 3 and from what I’ve read to date, cross dressing usually starts the very first time between the ages of 5 to 12. During these early periods of cross dressing, it is typically associated with some form of sexual arousal. Due to society’s general unacceptance of our thrill of cross dressing, we usually learn to feel ashamed or embarrassed and frequently don’t tell others we know who aren’t similar to us. For example, a fairly large portion of us didn’t tell our proposed spouses in advance (and kudos for those who did).
Psychoanalytic psychotherapy was entered by me and continued for 13 years at much financial and emotional expense and I endured the uninformed hypotheses of my analyst and the abusive use of the term “perversion” throughout my alleged “treatment.” All this is mentioned because all of it hasn’t stopped me from thinking of “WHY” I was so committed to this lifestyle. Attempting to feel less isolated, I also joined a number of groups such as CDI (Crossdressers International) in NYC and the Vanity Club dedicated to serving anyone who exhibited trans behavior and felt transgender in some fashion (pun intended).
During the course of my life, I also learned what is involved in the declared “conversion” of gay people (By the way, I don’t think it works and I strongly doubt it would help CD’s either). So, we are left with “WHY” are we crossdressers”
If you’ve ever studied homosexuality, you know that homosexuals don’t have a choice. They primarily know that they are attracted only or mostly to people of the same sex. Nothing succeeds in changing that irrevocably over the course of a lifetime – with very rare exceptions. Therefore, my strong belief is that something biological – either genetically born into someone and/or chemical – e.g. an individual choosing to expose to their self to female hormones, etc.) has happened to both homosexuals and transgender people. We may not have any choice usually with the exception of the individual choice I just noted above.
There is no possibility to overstate the importance of the effect others have on you. All one has to experience is just one transgender conference and the enormity of the effect will NEVER leave you the same. The power of being surrounded by others who are so similar is astonishing. For example, my experience at my first event was completely overpowering. I even met someone who lived near me and who ate in the same restaurants and was very committed as a transgender person. I was completely overwhelmed. We talked endlessly and my identity began to shift. Being exposed to a like individual opened up avenues and deepened my sense of femininity. All of a sudden, I was in a quandary. Am I seriously interested in transitioning or not? Given all that support and love, I considered becoming the woman inside me that I was acutely sensing. I entered therapy with a gender-knowledgeable therapist for a number of sessions and received her approval for undergoing transition. I oscillated between crossdressing (which seemed vulgar at the time) and giving in to the woman I sensed I was. Only when I differentiated how much my children meant to me and that I was their father and that I was imposing my desire onto them did my resolve falter. I also had to consider the serious possibility of needing to get a divorce from my mostly unaccepting wife, I came to the realization I needed to accept the limitations imposed by being a crossdresser. Incidentally, my dear friend wound up transitioning and divorcing his wife. In our last communication (unfortunately- because she felt we were no longer on the same wavelength), she indicated that she was doing well. I miss her desperately.
If this makes you feel less guilty and ashamed and makes you want to accept your predilections and preferences, so much the better. This website is designed especially for us. Live life to its fullest and learn to actually enjoy who you really are without having any feelings whatsoever of any guilt or shame!
- How old were you when you first tried on feminine clothing and was there a sexual arousal and/or relief assocaited with that very first time of cross dressing?
- Have you experienced feelings of shame or guilt associated with your thrill of cross dressing and have those feelings prevented you from coming out of the closet and revealing your desires to cross dress over the years?
- Have feelings of guilt and/or shame led you to purge all of your feminine clothing on one occasion or more and giving up your thrill of cross dressing for a period of time or giving up cross dressing in its entirety?
Girls, please feel free to take a few moments to respond to the writings in my article or to respond to one or more of the questions I’ve posed to you above.
With much love
Abby Lauren
More Articles by Abby Lauren
- The Odyssey: An Adventure in Disbelief
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Abby Lauren
Latest posts by Abby Lauren (see all)
- The Odyssey: An Adventure in Disbelief - July 5, 2020
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About 7 years ago a dept.head in a California U wrote in the Wall Street Journal “Caught Between Male & Female".He says that the Mom releases 2 blasts while the baby is in the womb-1-external characteristics-2 brain. 2 does not come out as in sync with 1 sometimes i.e tends more to the female brain. My view is that 2 is not an either or situation but misfires to a varying degree. Thus the more toward female the greater desire/need to transition.
Therefore -why feel guilt or shame?. This is the way we were created
You’re correct. There is no need for shame or guilt but, nevertheless, that is almost universally felt.
In the first three months of pregnancy, all fetuses are female. Really. It is then that one of two things happen. Either nothing happens with any hormone release and the baby remains female, or the mother releases androgen which creates a male. Don’t believe all men spend three months as females? That’s why men have nipples. Now, if that androgen delivery is too little or too late, that causes problems with the male body, such as Partial Androgen Insufficiency Syndrome, which I have. I grew breasts at 12. (Had them removed at 22 after years of bullying and shame. Then… Read more »
Hi Emily
I feel my response to your comment was inadequate, I think you’ve got it right. Thank you soo much for sharing it. If you have more details, i would be happy to learn more about this. I’d also like to be your friend.
Many thanks,
Abby
Hi Abby, Wonderful article! In my memory I was about seven when I first dressed in my mothers clothes and make up. As baggy as they were I paraded out to the kitchen in front of my mother and grandparents as proud as can be. My mother was a single mother and I don’t want what I was thinking, I did not feel any sexual arousal, but it felt right. I purged many times when I was younger, but not in the last twenty five years or so. Now it’s only when something wears out or needs… Read more »
You are, most definitely, NOT alone.
Hugs
Abby
There is an increasing body of evidence in the medical research that seems to point to CD/TG as a result of prenatal brain development. Without getting too technical, it seems that during early and mid gestation, we are exposed to different hormonal conditions that cause our brain to develop in one manner (male or female) while the body develops in the opposite gender direction. I am not convinced that the medical findings are conclusive at this point, and other researches are now under way. With that being said, it appears that what we call CD/TG is as bio normal as… Read more »
Hi Abby
Hope you are well. Thank you for your great article. So many of us are constantly looking for the answers to why ? After almost committing suicide in my 30s I saw a psychologist. She gave me a lot of insight of why im the person I am. It didnt really explain why I do what I do, but it did help me. After seeing her the concept of Balance became my mantra. Even if did find out Why, what would change ? Hope to see you again in the future.
Yours Terri
Hi Terri
You’re looking better and better. I hope that reflects a peace you’ve achieved with being Terri.
Love
Abby
Thank you hun. A sense of Balance really defines the way I feel more than peace. I still struggle with weighing my need and opportunities to express my female side. The crisis obviously has hindered me getting out, but things are getting better. You look amazing as always.
Yours Terri
From your mouth to God’s ears.
My feelings to a T. I KNOW we can’t do anything about it. Just wanted everybody here to not fault themselves in any way.We are a normal variant.
Thank you very much.
Much love
Abby
Excellent article, I started to crossdress at a very young age probably at 4. My earliest memory is about being ‘caught’ sitting in my mother closet dreaming of wearing her green dress, I felt a lot of guilt, even if of course she new nothing about what I was dreaming of… 50 years later I still feel that shame. For years, I worked so hard to hide my feminine side that I became a real man , and no one would ever think I like to crossdress. And now I am still in the closet, and trying to find a… Read more »
I feel great when I’m Abby and hope it shows.My smile is so sincere and reflective of how I feel inside.
Thank you! I’ve already said it multiple times and places these last few days but knowing how many others have thought and felt much the same as I have is such a relief, and yes to all of the 3 questions you asked.
I was reading post and it was very helpful. I’m 51 and I still get aroused when I dress. My wife knows that I crossdress and is very supportive. We even share clothing and shoes. We are the same size in both.
I am the same size as my wife, too. Maybe even thinner! BUT, my wife would NEVER share clothes with me- which is too bad for her because i have tons of dresses she could use if she were more supportive and wanted to share.
I love that we share. I just love wearing women’s clothing shoes panties and bras. It feels really good and right. I love the way certain fabrics feel on my skin. I definitely have a shoe fetish. I really like closed toe pumps and ankle strap pumps
My wife is always borrowing my pumps. Lol She likes to borrow my pant and skirt suits.
I can only WISH my wife was supportive. I adore all my clothes and heels and love being Abby. Enjoy what you have because there are many of us who envy you.
Abby love your article on why we cross dress for me it started when I was about 7 years old how I would always wear my mother’s night gown when she was getting ready for work then as time went on and hear I was still wearing her night gown but something hit me that yes how much I was really excited about being in her night gown so here I am around 15 or 16 wanting now to try on my first dress and bra and panty at this time mother is off to work already so it’s Saturday… Read more »
Years ago, in a marriage far, far away. I went to a therapist for my mixed up feelings. Mostly because I crossdress, and had some physical yearnings for a male friend of mine at the time. I was married and a father, a very active member of my church, etc. The only thing I didn’t have was a white picket fence, oh, and happiness, I didn’t have that. I didn’t know the why I dressed, I just knew the “had to".The therapist was terrible, not because she didn’t help, but because she was just bad at her chosen profession, but… Read more »
Why we Crossdress… Well I ponder exactly this term crossdressing. yes it is in one way, But actually it’s not in another. By the fact we were/are born as male, then we put on make up and clothes of traditional female garments… The other, well if we feel comfortable, in fact feel natural in how we dress and it’s in line with our inner psych, then maybe it’s not technically crossdressing as it’s not other womens clothes, it’s our clothes that generally not by choice deep rooted in our personality, we must dress in what feels right, comfortable and generally… Read more »
Dressing as Melissa, has always made me feel more in tune with who i really am within. By matching my exteria, with who i am within, simply makes me feel so complete with who I am. When i am dressed male, it really frustrates and upsets me, I always feel Melissa is my Twin sister, I really should of had, in fact If i was born female then I guess i would of been far happier, than being born as i was. 9probably would of looked this way for real!) Oh well what is, was or maybe, doesn’t really matter… Read more »